Editor’s Note: I originally published this post years ago during a completely different season of life, sharing what I thought was a foolproof “30-Day Sex Challenge.” Since then, my body, my health, and my journey have evolved immensely. I’m updating this space today because willpower or scheduled activity isn’t the fix for midlife intimacy challenges—understanding our changing biology is. Read on for the real, raw clinical truth about what happens to our bodies over 40, and the actual tools that bring permanent repair.
Ladies, it’s time we had a talk. Not THE talk, but you’ll definitely need to have had THAT talk before we have THIS talk. It’s a subject that gets joked about, glamorized, and sensationalized, but it’s rarely treated with the sincere power it’s capable of. I’m talking about sex. More specifically, it’s time we had a talk about how much sex you and your significant other are having. A little too personal? Trust me, I agree, and if this wasn’t a subject I felt extremely passionate about, I wouldn’t bring it up.
⏱️ TL;DR: Reclaiming Midlife Intimacy
If you only have 30 seconds, here is how to understand the physical changes affecting your libido over 40 and move from feeling frustrated to finding permanent repair:
- It’s Biology, Not Connection: A drop in libido after 40 isn’t relationship fatigue; it is a physiological response to shifting estrogen and cortisol levels.
- The Clinical Culprit (GSM): Dropping estrogen naturally causes Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM), leading to tissue thinning, intense pain during intercourse, and recurring UTIs. It cannot be “willpowered” away.
- The Intimacy Toolkit: Real relief comes from clinical and physical support—including localized vaginal estrogen to restore tissue moisture, pure coconut or water-based lubricants, and silicone dilators for nervous system recovery.
- Vulnerable Communication: Healing the “intimacy gap” begins with radical honesty about what your body is experiencing, removing pressure, and creating a safe space for cooperative connection.
In the original post, I noted that after a 30 day sex challenge, what really changed was creating a dedicated chunk of time, every single day, completely focused on each other. Despite the good, the bad, and the ugly of the day, despite busy schedules and hurt feelings, we knew that nightly we were going to have the opportunity to put everything aside and just focus on us. This is especially true if you’ve never prioritized time quite like that before.
BUT what happens when we hit our 40s, 50s, and beyond? Our libido can decline—and that change is not from a lack of desire or because you no longer want to be close to your partner. It’s not midlife relationship fatigue, and it is certainly not a sign that your relationship is failing.
It simply means there are physiological changes happening in your body that can make sex feel uncomfortable, painful, and maybe even completely exhausting.
When I first wrote about the 30-Day Sex Challenge, I was in a completely different season of life. While my journey has taken many turns since then, one truth remains: Intimacy is one of the most powerful tools we have for our own healing and health. Whether you are in a long-term partnership or navigating a new chapter, reclaiming your connection to intimacy is a vital part of becoming the CEO of your own health.
To help break down what is actually happening to our bodies, I sat down for a raw, two-part conversation on Heidi’s Lane with the incredible Dr. Radhika Sharma. If you are struggling with this right now, please pause and give these episodes a listen:
Tune In: Behind the Sex & Libido Curtains from my podcast:
Deep-dive conversations with leading women’s health experts to help you master your hormones.
Breaking the Shame Barrier (The Psychological Load)
If you’re feeling any unwanted shifts in your libido, or if your body just doesn’t “feel” like it has in the past when it comes to intimacy, please know that you are not alone. I’ve been there too.
This shift happened for me a couple of years ago, and I was like, “What the heck is actually happening?” It was the hardest, most embarrassing sexual thing for me to go through. It was incredibly difficult for me to even admit out loud that I was experiencing vaginal dryness—having to use lubricant for the first time!—and having physical pain during sex.
I wondered, like maybe you have too: Is this a shame thing?
So many culturally- and religiously-based thoughts were filtering through my heart, and they felt heavy. All of this actually pushed me into an anxious, depressed spiral that made me feel like I was doomed. I thought I was going crazy—the depression, the anxiety, and the fears were so very real, and they affected every single area of my life.
And I kept thinking, “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?”
Historically, women have been scared to talk about the libido and hormonal shifts that naturally occur as we age—even with their trusted OB/GYNs. We’ve been afraid to be vulnerable and ask for help.
🚀 Get the Support You Deserve:
Grab my Perimenopause Guide—it is an absolute must-have resource for navigating this transition with confidence!
Dr. Radhika Sharma is an OB/GYN, certified wellness coach, and co-host of the Double Scrub podcast. We went deep into what’s going on with our bodies as we age (especially “down there”) so that we can better understand the physiology and stop viewing these natural occurrences through a lens of brokenness.
When it comes to the shame we feel, Dr. Sharma attributes it to the specific biological season we’re in: We’re often done having babies, our periods are gone (or mostly gone), our estrogen is down, and it can mistakenly feel like our sex lives are supposed to be done too. In fact, the morning we recorded our first episode, she shared that she had literally just seen three women in her clinic who were experiencing exactly what I went through, and they all thought they were going crazy, too.
Hiding what’s going on from your partner can create a massive “intimacy gap” in a relationship. The first step toward healing those gaps isn’t physical connection; it’s radical, vulnerable honesty about what your body is experiencing. And your body is going through a lot, my friends.
Conquering the Sahara Desert (The Clinical Reality of GSM)
If you’re feeling like the Sahara Desert when it comes to intimacy, you’re experiencing more than just basic dryness. This clinical condition is called Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM).
Here is exactly what is happening under the hood:
↓ Estrogen Levels ──> Vaginal Tissue Becomes Thin, Dry, & Hyper-Sensitive ──> Irritation & Pain
As your estrogen levels drop, your vaginal tissue naturally loses its elasticity and moisture. GSM can result in:
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Recurring UTIs and more frequent urination
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Bacterial and pH imbalances
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Reduced arousal and difficulty achieving orgasm
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Intense pain during intercourse (specifically pain with penetration)
There’s a secondary biological battle going on here, too. As estrogen levels drop, cortisol (your stress hormone) can rise, increasing overall body stress and inflammation. At the same time, lower estrogen decreases the production of oxytocin—the hormone responsible for sexual arousal, bonding, and emotional connection. Because oxytocin naturally acts as a buffer to lower cortisol, this hormone flip creates a literal biological storm in your body!
Related Reading: Learn how Food Noise is linked to shifting hormones during perimenopause.
GSM is not something you can “willpower” your way out of. If intimacy hurts, the logical defense mechanism is to avoid it entirely. But avoidance is not the long-term repair we need.
The Midlife Intimacy Toolkit
Concrete medical and physical solutions to help repair your libido over 40.
1. Vaginal Estrogen
The ultimate game-changer. It reverses tissue thinning, alleviates painful intercourse, and restores deep moisture safely and locally.
2. Pure & Simple Lubes
Stick to organic coconut oil or water-based options. Avoid scented, ultra-processed products that disrupt your natural pH.
3. Tissue Recovery
Silicone dilators and temporary lidocaine gently help re-expand narrow tissues and calm the nervous system for pain-free sex.
While what you’re experiencing can be incredibly frustrating, Dr. Sharma shared some incredible, concrete medical and physical solutions to help repair your libido after 40:
1. Vaginal Estrogen (The Game Changer)
If you’re not familiar with vaginal estrogen, think of it like a baby aspirin for heart health, or Viagra for your lady parts. When it comes to improving your sex drive and comfort in your relationship, vaginal estrogen is queen. It helps reverse tissue thinning, alleviates painful intercourse, and directly restores deep moisture.
Note: Some women might experience a temporary yeast infection or strange discharge when first beginning vaginal estrogen. This is simply your body’s way of returning to a healthy, normal pH level. If this happens to you, stay the course—don’t give up!
The Medical Data: If you worry that topical, localized estrogen might cause breast cancer, the resounding clinical data finds that this information is false. Because it acts locally rather than systemically, it is even considered safe for many breast cancer survivors (always consult your personal physician).
2. Pure & Simple Lubrication
Another immediate solution for perimenopause-related intimacy issues is quality lubrication.
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What’s Best: Stick with organic coconut oil or high-quality, pure water-based lubricants (like classic KY).
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What to Avoid: Steer clear of almond oil and fancy, heavily scented, ultra-processed drugstore lubricants. Both of these can destroy the delicate vaginal microbiome and trigger painful infections.
3. Nervous System Recovery (Dilators & Lidocaine)
If you’re returning to intimacy after a long period of abstinence or pain, your vaginal muscles can involuntarily constrict and narrow, making intercourse even more painful. Please remember: You are not broken. You are fixable.
Using medical-grade silicone dilators—gradually moving up sizes at your own pace—can slowly and gently help to re-expand the tissue, making sex comfortable again. Temporary over-the-counter lidocaine gel is another excellent option to help desensitize the area and ensure intercourse is pain-free as you heal.
Bonus Tip: Improving your pelvic floor health is another foundational way to repair these issues. Learn more about pelvic floor health here.
The 30-Day Connection Re-Boot (For Both Partners)
As we navigate intimacy in our 40s and beyond, let’s collectively change the playbook:
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Shift the Focus: Let’s stop blaming the psychological dynamics of “low desire” in a relationship and start acknowledging the fluctuating hormones that are actually causing the physical roadblocks.
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Lighten the Cognitive Load: Remember that low sex drive is deeply tied to daily overwhelm, physical exhaustion, and mental fatigue—all of which are exacerbated by perimenopause.
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Create a Safe Space: Let’s view intimacy as a space for cooperative connection, where there is mutual vulnerability and open communication about physical comfort and emotional needs—without blame, pressure, or fear.
Ladies, please do not suffer in silence. You are not alone, and it is completely okay to pivot your strategy as your body evolves. Give yourself permission to be the true CEO of your own health.
Xo,
154 Responses
I once was a “hostage” in a sexless marriage. My ex-husband had a non-existent libido and made me feel I had some kind of disorder for wanting sex. I couldn’t mention wanting sex, I couldn’t joke about it, in his words “everything with me had to do with sex”… I felt undesired, unattractive, invisible. I felt inadequate. And what do you do when someone doesn’t want to have sex with you? Nothing. I accepted and resented him. It was really strange because he was affectionate in different ways, like hugging, holding hands but sex was virtually off the table. I stayed with him for 16 years, 16 years of this! Eventually, the marriage started to crumble and fell apart, and in our case, the lack of sex was just a symptom of deeper issues. Divorcing was the best thing that has ever happened to me though. My now husband just loves sex as much as I do, he has a healthy approach to sex, no judgments, open to experiment. We have sex when we want, whenever we can, no agendas, no obligations, just genuine pleasure. It’s my dream come true! What I also learned is that couples NEED to communicate. We are very open, very honest. To us the combination of amazing sex and great combination is what makes us stronger each day.
I’m also in a hostage of such. My wife sex drive is very low. I’m sexually depressed. She always comes up with excuses and I sometimes feel like maybe she’s not attracted to me anymore. But there are things she does that makes me relax and knowing she loves me. But we can take 3 to 4 weeks without having sex, and when we have, it’s when I feel like I forced it to happen or when she feels pity for me. I end up just having it but not enjoying. We’ve been together for 9 years and are married for 2 years. Have 3 kids together.
I have been in a sexless marriage for 25 years. What does one do?? I?ve done everything possible and I?m not fat at all and had 2 kids 24 years ago. I tell him and tell him and allbhe says is once a month is fine and I need help but then again what would one expect when he enjoys porn at his job and takes care of himself vs wanting the real thing me his Wife. The truth finally has catchy up with him and no counselor in the world can help this I know been there done that. It?s up to him and up to me now if I want to endure this anymore. I?m
Young at 47 but the problem is me one of our there who is serious about wanting a good Woman. When a Man sees me it?s all about the body and looks. Been like this since I was 11. I so sick of it. Divorce rate is 74 percent high and Law was my major and I?ve akways kept the spark up and always been the one to initiate intimacy. He only has 8 times in 25 years. I feel so ugly and alone and I?ve prayed. Houston, Cypress, Texas. Anyome reading this your not alone and I?m not dead at the age of 80 either. Reply back
I find this interesting because… well we are all different. What may work for one may not work for another. I believe that physical sexual connection is such a critical piece in a marriage. Because as we all know life is busy, schedules are crazy! The full time working mommy?s out there are exhausted by the time the kiddos are put to bed! Honestly most times the last thing on the brain is sex! I?m so happy that you and Your husband were able to reconnect really it?s a blessing! No one wants to see a family torn apart! That yummy part of my marriage has been gone for years it?s just part of the routine now. ?? Biggest reason for me and I hate to admit this because my once gorgeous husband has let himself go for YEARS!!!!!! It has so changed our bedroom life! I?ve tried to motivate support you name it I?ve tried it. Nothing works…. he just won?t workout doesn?t try to get back to him! I?m sorry but let?s be honest here when we see someone for the first time even before words are spoken there is a physical chemistry that sparks between two people. Hey I?ve been with my guy for 17 years and would never leave because of what I speak about BUT I wish he could see how this impacts things. We?ve talked about it but he just gets mad so we put it away cause we never get anywhere! I feel bad as his wife I worry about his health first and foremost! The thought of having sex for 30 days doesn?t appeal to me. I wish it did Lord knows I pray all the Time asking God to please open my husbands eyes and ears! I?m 46 and my husband is 40. I?ve always been in good shape health and fitness is just who I am. I believe he was very attracted to that. Back in the day my fella was quite an athlete but now just a frumpy over worked stressed out guy! I know he doesn?t feel good and certainly doesn?t look good! ? I love my husband that?s a give in been through the shit and back more times than I care to admit! I loved your post Heidi it takes courage for sure to put it out there. And hey it just may help couples out there struggling because we all do! Take care peace love and Joy!
Did you ever think that your are looking at the situation the wrong way. My husband used to say the same about me, that I didn?t look the way he wanted me to. Have you ever thought about how those kinds of thoughts can negatively effect your husband and make him feel unworthy and depressed. Marriage is not one sided and nothing is ever all to blame on one spouse. Can you honestly say that your love for your husband is so shallow that it all goes out the window because he doesn?t look the way you want him to. Do you look exactly like you did when you first started dating. I challenge you to pray a new prayer. I whole heartedly believe in the power of prayer and I know nothing is too big that God can?t change it. I challenge you to pray that God would change YOUR heart, that God would help you to reconnect with your husband in whatever way HE sees best. If you aren?t willing to try Heidi?s challenge, then pray the above mentioned prayer for thirty days straight. I believe God can fix your marriage. You just have to believe that it will happen, no matter if it?s how you think is best or not.
What if his motivation has to come from keeping up with you in the bedroom? What if God’s answer to your prayers only comes if you open your heart and love on your hubby where is and not where he used to be? Just food for thought.
Karen, maybe if you start with just kissing him passionately for 30 days it may spark something in him that will wake his drive up. And if he sees how happy you are to be with him he may want to go back to working out for you and him both. He will feel better. Sex is a stress release just like working out.
I appreciate this comment so much! I am in the same boat. Sadly I spent so many years fighting to stay in shape and he didn?t I became tired and let myself go too. I?m angry at him for dragging me down but I?m more angry at myself for letting him. His job loss after job loss is also getting to me. Sex isn?t even on the table anymore. With so many big issues how do we do this for 30 days…? Physical connection matters when it comes to sex, while it?s not the only thing it?s near the top.
You say ?wish he could see how this impacts things? but don?t you see how your attitude/disgust towards him is really the thing impacting your marriage?
And For all those saying ?the thought of having sex with him/her just doesn?t appeal to me, I can?t? that?s THE POINT. If it did appeal to you, you probably wouldn?t be experiencing deeper issues. Get out of your comfort zone, try it and like Heidi said, the fringe benefits (hugging, kissing, flirting, cuddling, laughing) is what?s going to hopefully spark something.
Nuks: You can’t continue like this. Things will only get worse, with resentment building by the day. You need to get into marriage counseling quickly; if you can afford it, a sex therapist. At the very least you need to let your wife know where things are leading, and explain that sex isn’t just a physical act that creates kids, or something that horny teenagers engage in, but rather something that brings you closer, emotionally, to your wife. Something that makes you want to cuddle in bed with her. Something that reassures you. It’s 2 or 3 weeks between sex now; for most, that qualifies as basically sexless. You’re likely to see that moving to 2 or 3 months. Do something sooner than later.
I tried that. It made me feel terrible. I soon after that realized I am asexual. I wouldn?t recommend this approach but I?m glad things worked out for you. Making a commitment to have sex even when I didn?t feel like it just about wrecked me.
Thank you so much for sharing your message on social media about the 30 day challenge. My husband and I got married in August of 2018. We are really struggling right now with intimacy. We work together and with very minimal time together. It?s always business. (we see each other but we don?t SEE each other) At times I feel like I don?t know him anymore. It?s so sad. I care about him deeply and I know he feels the same but we are just so pissed at each other. We don?t know what do to. So, I am going to talk to him about the 30 day challenge. I hope that he will be on board with it. Again, thank you so much! I am looking forward to reporting back without details. 🙂
Thank you!
A
I love seeing pictures and videos of you two and seeing what a wonderful relationship you have been able to have. And thank you for being so honest and open about your struggles. I’m really excited to try this challenge and see what it does for our marriage, cause I’ve definitely felt like something is different or missing in the past few months. Love you both!
I wish it were that easy for me. Sadly I?ve been diagnosed with lichen schlerosis and sex is too painful. Me and my husband have been married 23 going on 24 years. We haven?t had sex in 5 years. He?s a wonderful man who deserves to have a healthy sex life which I don?t know if will ever again be possible with me. The future looks bleak in that respect.
My husband and I have been married for 20 years, together for 25 with 3 kids. Few years into our marriage we noticed that we would argue when life got in the way which meant we didn’t touch each other except when we had sex. We have always had a strong sex life, but once we realized the correlation of the touch we made it a habit every morning and night to just hug. close body contact hug…sometimes its for minutes and other times its for 30 seconds. But when we stop touching each other we get cranky and snippy with each other. That hug helps in so many ways – stress goes away, kids are happy, we are happy. Touch is a magical thing.
I have followed both of you for years and I always admire your honesty. I’m very happy this worked for you, however I have to ask without expecting an answer, what on earth can you possibly have to fight about that much? My husband died two months ago and thankfully we rarely argued. I would do anything to have him back but we rarely wasted our energy arguing with each other. You have to choose your battles because no two people will ever agree on everything. But I’ve read a lot about you two arguing and I don’t understand it. It’s not for me to understand I’m just saying put into perspective what you would do if your husband was suddenly gone? All of those things you argued about wouldn’t matter so stop fighting about everything because most likely it’s trivial things that don’t matter. And if you don’t already know, figure out what your love language is for each of you. There’s a book about it and it’s very helpful. Good luck ?
I?m sorry for the loss of your husband. You are so lucky to have had, what sounds like a healthy relationship. You are very blessed and I would think you both worked hard to keep your relationship strong and love each other. However I do think that is what Heidi and Chris are doing as well..but everyone has different personalities and different strengths and weaknesses. MOST relationships do have arguments, and though it doesn?t mean you don?t love each other, for most couples, relationships require constant work and commitment over and over. This is not a negative thing, just reality. There are lot of factors that go into this. My husband and I know each other?s love languages, and while I think it?s great to know them, this doesn?t mean that we are always perfect at ?filling each other?s cups? in these areas. I admire Heidi for being so vulnerable to display their relationship struggles publicly in an effort to relate to and help other couples doing through the same thing??
I was wondering about this also. My husband and I have been married 15 years and very rarely argue… maybe once per year and it lasts like 5 min before we realize it is stupid…. it?s not worth energy.
People are different, relationships are different. Some people communicate better than others and some people are more mature emotionally than others. I also think that the situation around the couple counts a lot – a large family, busy schedules, growing businesses… I can see it being stressful and making things harder sometimes. I think the key thing is solving/fixing what needs to be addressed instead of having an on-going argument forever because the real issue is still there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. ?
I have to disagree with you. I am not saying you are wrong, because everyone can find greatness in their marriage through different things. But to me, having sex with my husband is just the icing on the cake, the extra piece to love each other. I cannot base my relationship with him around sex, why? Because marriage has to be a lot more than loving your partner through sex. Marriage is about conquering things together and going through ups and down together as partners, communicate likes and dislikes, even when one of you is indiferent about sex, YES! That does not mean you do not love that person just because you don’t feel like having “sex” with him or her that night, or that week or that month! If you feel you need to that to keep him with you, then he is definitely not loving YOU for who you are or for what you can offer him besides sex. Just my opinion.
It sounds to me that you have a very different view on what sex is and only are thinking of the physical side of it. Heidi explained that they had already gone through the ups and downs, built a business and were raising a family. What was MISSING, was that intimidate connection. A Godly act if you will. Not a ?oh I?m so horny and if you don?t give it to me I?m leaving? type of deal. She even said it wasn?t about the sex. It was about making a conscious effort to show up and be present for each other and ONLY each other every single night. I think she put this beautifully, and it?s a great challenge. 🙂
There is a difference between loving someone & building a life on that love and being IN LOVE where there?s passion like when you first met. I 100% agree with Heidi on this as I know for a fact our marriage and love for one another grew and yes it?s partially just spending that ?quality time? together , loving each other with no distractions. no phone, no kids, no tv, no computer just eachother in the most vulnerable way possible. That?s passion , that?s being madly in love again 🙂
I agree with you 100% J. I was thinking that people were being critical of Heidi basing this only on sex but I don?t believe that was it at all. It?s exactly as you said, focusing on each other and only each other for a period of time a day. I can?t imagine the type of schedule they have. Kudos for them to make it work and not give up. No matter what it took. No judgements need to be given.
Ok, but what happens when that may be his need and he gives you what you need whatever that is and lives you regardless of the sec? Well I can tell you what happens if it starts to turn into feelings of resentment the stress relief and to feel wanted by wife she likes sex but dies not need or one that you’re as much as me but she needs hugs and back and shoulder rubs to relieve her stress. All I’m saying is help each other out I would give anything for having sex with Me 3 times a week I don’t get that but I am completely in love with her so I’m not going anywhere. I hope that things will change it’s not all her fault I have caused a lot of stress because I have struggle with the pain pills prescribed for my debillitating back pain. Unfortunately I have lied to her and spend a lot of money on pills over the year we’re trying to work through that and I hope that will be closer as I get that problem under control and move on from it. I do feel like it would be easier to move on from with more stress relief from sex.
Wow, thank you so much for your transparency about this issue. This will change marriages and change lives. Thank you thank you thank you.