Editor’s Note: I originally published this post years ago during a completely different season of life, sharing what I thought was a foolproof “30-Day Sex Challenge.” Since then, my body, my health, and my journey have evolved immensely. I’m updating this space today because willpower or scheduled activity isn’t the fix for midlife intimacy challenges—understanding our changing biology is. Read on for the real, raw clinical truth about what happens to our bodies over 40, and the actual tools that bring permanent repair.
Ladies, it’s time we had a talk. Not THE talk, but you’ll definitely need to have had THAT talk before we have THIS talk. It’s a subject that gets joked about, glamorized, and sensationalized, but it’s rarely treated with the sincere power it’s capable of. I’m talking about sex. More specifically, it’s time we had a talk about how much sex you and your significant other are having. A little too personal? Trust me, I agree, and if this wasn’t a subject I felt extremely passionate about, I wouldn’t bring it up.
⏱️ TL;DR: Reclaiming Midlife Intimacy
If you only have 30 seconds, here is how to understand the physical changes affecting your libido over 40 and move from feeling frustrated to finding permanent repair:
- It’s Biology, Not Connection: A drop in libido after 40 isn’t relationship fatigue; it is a physiological response to shifting estrogen and cortisol levels.
- The Clinical Culprit (GSM): Dropping estrogen naturally causes Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM), leading to tissue thinning, intense pain during intercourse, and recurring UTIs. It cannot be “willpowered” away.
- The Intimacy Toolkit: Real relief comes from clinical and physical support—including localized vaginal estrogen to restore tissue moisture, pure coconut or water-based lubricants, and silicone dilators for nervous system recovery.
- Vulnerable Communication: Healing the “intimacy gap” begins with radical honesty about what your body is experiencing, removing pressure, and creating a safe space for cooperative connection.
In the original post, I noted that after a 30 day sex challenge, what really changed was creating a dedicated chunk of time, every single day, completely focused on each other. Despite the good, the bad, and the ugly of the day, despite busy schedules and hurt feelings, we knew that nightly we were going to have the opportunity to put everything aside and just focus on us. This is especially true if you’ve never prioritized time quite like that before.
BUT what happens when we hit our 40s, 50s, and beyond? Our libido can decline—and that change is not from a lack of desire or because you no longer want to be close to your partner. It’s not midlife relationship fatigue, and it is certainly not a sign that your relationship is failing.
It simply means there are physiological changes happening in your body that can make sex feel uncomfortable, painful, and maybe even completely exhausting.
When I first wrote about the 30-Day Sex Challenge, I was in a completely different season of life. While my journey has taken many turns since then, one truth remains: Intimacy is one of the most powerful tools we have for our own healing and health. Whether you are in a long-term partnership or navigating a new chapter, reclaiming your connection to intimacy is a vital part of becoming the CEO of your own health.
To help break down what is actually happening to our bodies, I sat down for a raw, two-part conversation on Heidi’s Lane with the incredible Dr. Radhika Sharma. If you are struggling with this right now, please pause and give these episodes a listen:
Tune In: Behind the Sex & Libido Curtains from my podcast:
Deep-dive conversations with leading women’s health experts to help you master your hormones.
Breaking the Shame Barrier (The Psychological Load)
If you’re feeling any unwanted shifts in your libido, or if your body just doesn’t “feel” like it has in the past when it comes to intimacy, please know that you are not alone. I’ve been there too.
This shift happened for me a couple of years ago, and I was like, “What the heck is actually happening?” It was the hardest, most embarrassing sexual thing for me to go through. It was incredibly difficult for me to even admit out loud that I was experiencing vaginal dryness—having to use lubricant for the first time!—and having physical pain during sex.
I wondered, like maybe you have too: Is this a shame thing?
So many culturally- and religiously-based thoughts were filtering through my heart, and they felt heavy. All of this actually pushed me into an anxious, depressed spiral that made me feel like I was doomed. I thought I was going crazy—the depression, the anxiety, and the fears were so very real, and they affected every single area of my life.
And I kept thinking, “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?”
Historically, women have been scared to talk about the libido and hormonal shifts that naturally occur as we age—even with their trusted OB/GYNs. We’ve been afraid to be vulnerable and ask for help.
🚀 Get the Support You Deserve:
Grab my Perimenopause Guide—it is an absolute must-have resource for navigating this transition with confidence!
Dr. Radhika Sharma is an OB/GYN, certified wellness coach, and co-host of the Double Scrub podcast. We went deep into what’s going on with our bodies as we age (especially “down there”) so that we can better understand the physiology and stop viewing these natural occurrences through a lens of brokenness.
When it comes to the shame we feel, Dr. Sharma attributes it to the specific biological season we’re in: We’re often done having babies, our periods are gone (or mostly gone), our estrogen is down, and it can mistakenly feel like our sex lives are supposed to be done too. In fact, the morning we recorded our first episode, she shared that she had literally just seen three women in her clinic who were experiencing exactly what I went through, and they all thought they were going crazy, too.
Hiding what’s going on from your partner can create a massive “intimacy gap” in a relationship. The first step toward healing those gaps isn’t physical connection; it’s radical, vulnerable honesty about what your body is experiencing. And your body is going through a lot, my friends.
Conquering the Sahara Desert (The Clinical Reality of GSM)
If you’re feeling like the Sahara Desert when it comes to intimacy, you’re experiencing more than just basic dryness. This clinical condition is called Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM).
Here is exactly what is happening under the hood:
↓ Estrogen Levels ──> Vaginal Tissue Becomes Thin, Dry, & Hyper-Sensitive ──> Irritation & Pain
As your estrogen levels drop, your vaginal tissue naturally loses its elasticity and moisture. GSM can result in:
-
Recurring UTIs and more frequent urination
-
Bacterial and pH imbalances
-
Reduced arousal and difficulty achieving orgasm
-
Intense pain during intercourse (specifically pain with penetration)
There’s a secondary biological battle going on here, too. As estrogen levels drop, cortisol (your stress hormone) can rise, increasing overall body stress and inflammation. At the same time, lower estrogen decreases the production of oxytocin—the hormone responsible for sexual arousal, bonding, and emotional connection. Because oxytocin naturally acts as a buffer to lower cortisol, this hormone flip creates a literal biological storm in your body!
Related Reading: Learn how Food Noise is linked to shifting hormones during perimenopause.
GSM is not something you can “willpower” your way out of. If intimacy hurts, the logical defense mechanism is to avoid it entirely. But avoidance is not the long-term repair we need.
The Midlife Intimacy Toolkit
Concrete medical and physical solutions to help repair your libido over 40.
1. Vaginal Estrogen
The ultimate game-changer. It reverses tissue thinning, alleviates painful intercourse, and restores deep moisture safely and locally.
2. Pure & Simple Lubes
Stick to organic coconut oil or water-based options. Avoid scented, ultra-processed products that disrupt your natural pH.
3. Tissue Recovery
Silicone dilators and temporary lidocaine gently help re-expand narrow tissues and calm the nervous system for pain-free sex.
While what you’re experiencing can be incredibly frustrating, Dr. Sharma shared some incredible, concrete medical and physical solutions to help repair your libido after 40:
1. Vaginal Estrogen (The Game Changer)
If you’re not familiar with vaginal estrogen, think of it like a baby aspirin for heart health, or Viagra for your lady parts. When it comes to improving your sex drive and comfort in your relationship, vaginal estrogen is queen. It helps reverse tissue thinning, alleviates painful intercourse, and directly restores deep moisture.
Note: Some women might experience a temporary yeast infection or strange discharge when first beginning vaginal estrogen. This is simply your body’s way of returning to a healthy, normal pH level. If this happens to you, stay the course—don’t give up!
The Medical Data: If you worry that topical, localized estrogen might cause breast cancer, the resounding clinical data finds that this information is false. Because it acts locally rather than systemically, it is even considered safe for many breast cancer survivors (always consult your personal physician).
2. Pure & Simple Lubrication
Another immediate solution for perimenopause-related intimacy issues is quality lubrication.
-
What’s Best: Stick with organic coconut oil or high-quality, pure water-based lubricants (like classic KY).
-
What to Avoid: Steer clear of almond oil and fancy, heavily scented, ultra-processed drugstore lubricants. Both of these can destroy the delicate vaginal microbiome and trigger painful infections.
3. Nervous System Recovery (Dilators & Lidocaine)
If you’re returning to intimacy after a long period of abstinence or pain, your vaginal muscles can involuntarily constrict and narrow, making intercourse even more painful. Please remember: You are not broken. You are fixable.
Using medical-grade silicone dilators—gradually moving up sizes at your own pace—can slowly and gently help to re-expand the tissue, making sex comfortable again. Temporary over-the-counter lidocaine gel is another excellent option to help desensitize the area and ensure intercourse is pain-free as you heal.
Bonus Tip: Improving your pelvic floor health is another foundational way to repair these issues. Learn more about pelvic floor health here.
The 30-Day Connection Re-Boot (For Both Partners)
As we navigate intimacy in our 40s and beyond, let’s collectively change the playbook:
-
Shift the Focus: Let’s stop blaming the psychological dynamics of “low desire” in a relationship and start acknowledging the fluctuating hormones that are actually causing the physical roadblocks.
-
Lighten the Cognitive Load: Remember that low sex drive is deeply tied to daily overwhelm, physical exhaustion, and mental fatigue—all of which are exacerbated by perimenopause.
-
Create a Safe Space: Let’s view intimacy as a space for cooperative connection, where there is mutual vulnerability and open communication about physical comfort and emotional needs—without blame, pressure, or fear.
Ladies, please do not suffer in silence. You are not alone, and it is completely okay to pivot your strategy as your body evolves. Give yourself permission to be the true CEO of your own health.
Xo,
154 Responses
I?m newly married. And I feel like we?re in a great place. We have a wonderful foundation as a couple, our relationship was never based on sex. One of my biggest fears is losing connection, because sex is nearly impossible for us. My husband has an endocrine condition that has destroyed his libido and left him with crippling ED. I?m 39 and I?m terrified of a future without sex. I crave that connection with him, and I?m afraid about what it means in the long run.
My husband and I took this challenge two years ago. We had just moved and while content together, we had been under massive stress for years. It was like a vacation without travel. We recalled that home is with each other and not a house. I have told my friends as they approached marriage, “Sex is like a Zamboni. It glosses over the small issues and fills in some gaps, but it won’t fill cracks in foundations.” Sometimes gloss will help a couple see where work needs to be done. I am so glad this helped my favorite celebrity couple stay together.
My husband and I both were previously married. Both of us had sexless marriages and our previous spouses cheated. Early in our relationship we found something that said the average couple have sex 89 times a year. We took that as a challenge and decided to track how quickly we could get to that number. It took us 41 days. We had so much fun tracking that we have kept doing it. We?re 3 years and 2 months in to our marriage. One month we hit 91. We have had 2 kids since getting married so that caused some days without but we make it a priority at least once a day. If we can sneak away from our 5 kids to have a rendezvous which makes it even more fun… even if they?re pounding on the door. The first year we hit 805 in one calendar year. The next year 505, and last year 407. This year we?re kind of low due to my c-section on 1/11. But we?ve found it makes such a difference in how we feel about each other. That and making sure God is the center of our marriage. Thank you so much for sharing this. It?s so important to our intimacy in marriage!
Lol, I am exhausted just reading your post. I don?t know what kind of schedules you have but that amount of sex sounds like a full time job. ?
Love this!! I?m gonna try it!!! We?ve been pretty distant lately ?
Maybe this will help us.
But, umm, what about your period??? Isn?t that kinda awkward??
Literally was thinking the same thing? Yes
Period sex is normal and not really that messy if you prepare for it.
When you have your period just go under the shower it?ll stop it, wash inside quickly with water if you prefer. And if you (or your jus and) are still ill at ease with the idea, use a condom or try new sex stuff (sex is not only about penetration)
I tried period sex once or twice but it was painful…
Some women use contraception that suppresses your period. I haven’t had one for years!
I read ALL the comments! I hope everyone who tries this challenge supports Heidi’s vulnerability on March 15th to let her know how this it went for you.
Been married just shy of 20 years and this past year has been awful. My wife has emotionally and physically shut me out and we ignore and fight each other almost daily. We?ve had our problems in the past and many caused by my actions and words. Always been faithful but my immaturity over the years has done more harm than good. We?ve always seem to bounce back, so I thought but now it?s seems she?s had enough. We haven?t had sex or been intimate in over a year. She says she is just not in that place and doesn?t have loving feelings for me anymore. She doesn?t know if divorce is what she wants or not but I have the feeling if we didn?t have kids involved she?d be out the door. I love her very much but I feel it?s out of my hands at this point. We see therapists, but individually, she doesn?t want marriage counseling. To suggest a 30 day sex challenge to her at this point would NOT be something she would go for. I?d give anything to find a way to reconnect and be husband and wife again! Wish there was a simpler way. Only time will tell. Hard living like this.
Ross. Take a look at the love dare. It?s a book and while not 30 days of sex it is relationship altering in many of the same ways.
Start with small things…flowers, clean something, do dishes, make her feel special-wanted. Then keep doing it and add more… it should snowball from there. You must put in some work, look to bless her.
You should look into Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel it’s a great program and things you could do even if she doesn’t want to. The Love Dare is wonderful too
I was going to suggest make sure to make her a priority. Intimacy isn’t always about sex especially for a woman. They need to know you are there. In Heidi’s case, sex was a way for them to have a connection physically and emotionally even if its 20 min a day. Just make a priority to make her first. Talk to her and really listen. Show her you appreciate her. Help her around the house more. Take her on a date every week. Find new things to do together.
Ask her everyday, ?what can I do for you today?? It starts to soften both your hearts a bit.
Dear Heidi, my husband and I were a couple since I was 19 and he 23. (I am 50+ now). But in 2010 he got sick again and diagnosed to not get well anymore (kidneycancer with metastases in the head). In the first years sex was not an issue but when he lost his second kidney in 2017 I had lost all my appetite in him as a lover. Besides a dialysis catheter sticking out of his chest, this was of course not sexy at all, he was often very tired and coldly. But the love remained luckily. Last September 7th he passed away and now I feel regretting to have not loved each other more physically. But now it’s to late…perhaps if we both tried harder at the time it could have been nice anyway…
Wow, you are a bad person. He was dying and you expected him to try harder to be intimate? The fact that you described equipment that was keeping him alive as not sexy and you lost your appetite shows you need to work on yourself more.
I can say that 5 years ago my husband wanted a divorce. I believe mostly the issue was sex and we started having sex all the time. To make a long story short, after a few months he didn’t want a divorce. Now I’m in menopause and had my first ever painful experience, I got on hormone therapy from my gynecologist. First time in my life I wanted to initiate sex. Husband is telling me no. Find a good gyno to work with.
I HATE SEX THOUGH… I?m the one with no libido… and I can honestly say I?ve never had one. I have Been married 20 years… (and yes we have done all the hormone testing and treating)
I can?t orgasm, I never have. I don?t know what I ?like?, because I don?t like any of it.
This idea literally makes me physically recoil. Believe me I wish it could be fixed. But we have tried so much with never getting anywhere except more frustrated.
Have your husband (well, both of you) read the book ?She Comes First?. I?m the same way as you with actual intercourse, I have never had an orgasm from it. I?m fine with that tho, because there?s oral sex and it?s AMAZING! If you haven?t had the big O from that either, your husband needs help, and this book should do the trick! Go buy it immediately! Good luck?
You need to masturbate with a vibrator- all alone in your house until you do. Just relax and let it happen.
Anonymous,
Have you tried therapy for yourself? You may have a regressed trauma that you are unaware of. I know you will think I’m crazy, but it was definitely an issue in my life that I didn’t even know I had. Good luck to you!
I?m having the same issue. Though I can orgasim with a vibrator I can?t with sex and I?m totally fine without having sex but my husband is a very sexual person and needs it and craves it. I?m doing my best trying to get in the mood. I?m not happy with myself physically and am in the process of getting weight loss surgery in a couple months and I?m hoping when I get smaller I?ll be more interested in sex but no matter what I don?t have orgasim during sex so sex doesn?t do anything to me and honestly, TMI alert, it?s messy. And that annoys me. I haven?t spoken to a gyno to much about it. The one time I did she said try different positions. Well I have and nothing. Maybe I should talk to one again and maybe there is a libido booster or something that can help. I thought you hit your peek sexual point in your 30?s well I?m 34 and hasn?t happened. Good luck to you. Know your not alone. I have no libido just like you. It sux.
Dear Anonymous…..I can very much relate to your comment because I was not able to orgasm for most of my adult life but then my (now) husband encouraged me to use a tool (vibration of any sort) and for the first time my body responded. I was already in my 40’s then and now 54 years old we use it while having sex with my loving and understanding husband and have orgasms every time which if you never had one and then experience it will rock your world. It would be a shame for you to loose out on such an amazing ability in our body that the most natural thing. ??
Oh I know how you feel! I have never ever in my life (& I am 47) had a sex drive! It?s just not my thing. I don?t like kissing, cuddling , none of that. & then I got sick! Adenomyosis, (very painful!) Hashimotos, hypothyroidism & a handful of other things that go along with it, made my libido nonexistent. My poor husband is very understanding but it?s really not fair to him. But I can?t help the way I feel…. the way I?ve always felt! A 30 day sex challenge? I don?t know, my body is pretty outta whack for that!
Ya…. I have dozens of vibrators. None can get me there, solo or with my husband. We?ve tried oral sex a lot, that doesn?t happen either.
and I honestly don?t believe that he?s not doing it right….
Because even trying solo on my own nothing arouses me. I?m broken.
I have not been interested in sex with my husband for years. I can say that when we first started dating we had sex all the time but in all actuality when it got closer to the wedding I got more disinterested in it because it wasn?t that good. So for 9 months before our wedding we decided to stop having sex so our wedding night would be more special….it was OK. Thru the years we tried different things and for the longest time I decided that he really just wasn?t that ?good? at sex. But now after 36 years I have finally come to the conclusion that it truly is me. First off I am 55 and menopausal and having sex hurts. I have tried creams and ointments from the Dr but seriously it just isn?t worth it. I am in my head too much and sexually I feel completely incompatible with him. I wouldn?t mind having some intimacy. Just cuddling and skin to skin contact but he is a man…he wants more if we touch skin. We don?t have anything that we do separately other than I go to the gym every weekday for an hour. Other than that we live together work together ride together shop together. He is a good man a great dad and a wonderful grandfather but we are roommates. But I?m not going anywhere and neither is he. We just need to become husband and wife again.