Ladies, it’s time we had a talk. Not THE talk, but you’ll definitely need to have had THAT talk before we have THIS talk. It’s a subject that gets joked about, glamorized, and sensationalized, but it’s rarely treated with the sincere power it’s capable of. I’m talking about sex. More specifically, it’s time we had a talk about how much sex you and your significant other are having. A little too personal? Trust me, I agree, and if this wasn’t a subject I felt extremely passionate about, I wouldn’t bring it up.
But truly, sex saved my marriage, and I am willing to bet it could save (or improve!) yours too.
About a year ago, Chris and I sat stoic with bleary, red eyes, completely speechless in the parking lot of a divorce attorney’s office. Seriously. We had spent months completely at each other’s throats, years of the same arguments again and again had turned our hearts cold, and the idea of staying together was seemingly impossible. We sat and stared at each other completely in awe of what we were about to do. And then we had an idea.
A couple weeks prior to us landing in the parking lot of the attorney’s office, we confided in a close friend about our challenges. Between working together, raising children together, and watching our dreams grow and then plummet then begin to grow again, Chris and I had almost ZERO feelings of love and romance for each other left. Sure we loved each other, but is that the same as being in love? No, it’s not.
And truth be told, we BOTH needed to feel loved again, and the idea that it could ever come from each other again was unfathomable. Our friend shared a challenge he and his wife took on during a similar rut in their romance, and he raved about how it healed years old wounds, rekindled a fire they thought had long died out, and turned them from near enemies to best friends.
So what’s the magic challenge? It’s simple: Have sex every. single. day. for 30 days.
I know what you’re thinking, because trust me, I thought alllll the same things. Seriously? How could sex save my marriage? What if I’m too tired? Or sick? Sex is great, but THIRTY days straight? I don’t think we can do that. But then we tried it.
Prior to the challenge, I had very little hope that anything, let alone what goes on between the sheets, could keep Chris and me together, but I am here to say it transformed our marriage. The first few days were business as usual? we hadn’t fought much those days so sex didn’t seem like a terrible idea.
By day 6, though, Chris and I were in the midst of one our infamous knock out, drag down fights. I didn’t even want to LOOK at him, let alone be intimate with him. I walked into our bedroom and declared, “The challenge is over, there’s no point.” And Chris, being a man truer to his integrity than anyone else on earth, said, “No, we made a commitment, and we’re sticking to it.” And so we did. Guys, without divulging too many details (because, ahem, awkward), we went from hating each other’s guts to laughing hysterically, cuddling, and feeling those same warm feelings that we felt many moons ago when we were first dating.
The challenge continued another 24 days with plenty of arguments, hurt feelings, and negative thoughts along the way. However, the next 24 days were also filled with more flirting, quick kisses, silly teases, and friendly moments than we had shared in months…maybe even years. Somewhere along the way, our marriage shifted from business partner-based to best friends who were lucky enough to have sleepovers every single night.
And was it the sex that did it? Maybe partially. But what I believe really changed us was our dedication to spending even 20 minutes every single day completely focused on each other. Despite the good, the bad, and the ugly of the day, despite busy schedules and hurt feelings, we knew that nightly we were going to have the opportunity to put everything aside and just be in love?something Chris and I had never prioritized quite like that before. It gave us silly moments and ones filled with passion, and it allowed us to open up and spend time cuddled up and chatting, an almost extinct act between us previously. The 30 day challenge may have been based on sex, but what we gained from it had nothing to do with sex at all. The 30 day challenge gave us our love back, and in turn, our marriage.
Now, it’s your turn. Whether you’re a newlywed or nearing divorce, I have no doubt in my mind that committing to and completing the 30 day sex challenge can and will improve your feelings of sincere love for your spouse. Now, is it a guaranteed fix for every marital woe? Of course not! But I truly believe in the healing power of this commitment to your loved one. So give it a try and report back. Of course, spare the gory details, 😉 but I want to know if it works for you! Did the 30 Day Sex Challenge save your marriage too? Help it? Hurt it? Let me know!
xo,
Heidi
Related reading:
6 Ways to Spend Valentine?s With Your (My) Swolemate
5 Years of (Mostly) Wedded Bliss + How We Met Vid!
Feel the Love?and the Burn! || Ultimate Couple?s Workout
Giving Love to Others
40 for my 40 year old || Why Chris Powell is the Greatest Man on Earth
154 Responses
I’m a sex therapist south of Denver, and want to thank you for sharing. I speak with individuals and couples about this pretty much all day, every day. Now, most couples cannot do the 30 day challenge. Too many wounds, and honestly, sex is sometimes the only thing a woman can keep for herself inside a marriage where she is hurting. A lot of men’s love language is physical touch. However, sex can happen MANY ways, and does not mean intercourse-sex necessarily. Orgasm and intercourse should not be the focus or goal of sex. The goal should be connection and pleasure. Emotional safety and eroticism. On your period? Mutual masturbation can be so fun! Pissed as hell at each other? Agree with one another that the argument topic is still there, but you are committed to connecting with each other through intimacy/sex. Baths, massages, role play, naked cuddling, are all ways to have sex. Most people tell me I’m crazy, but focusing on intercourse sex all the time isnt realistic. Medications, illness, pain for women (which isnt talked about enough at all) can keep intercourse from happening the way we want it to. Sex shouldn’t really be seen ever as “bad”. Sure, maybe it didnt happen the way/feel the way “YOU wanted it to”. Most sex just stops in the middle if it isnt “good or great”. Bur if couples would giggle and say, let’s try something else, intimacy deepens, sex continues, and you dont feel cut off. Rejection is huge when it comes to sex. It’s really amazing you and Chris could recreate your own couples sexual style. One of my favorite parts of my job is helping couples redefine their sexuality with each other. 🙂
This!! ??? Thank you so much for your answer ?
That’s exactly how I feel about this. Thank you!
If your wife is fat and old… And yoh dont find her attractive. All these things you mentioned would be pointless
I was actually looking up some articles about this yesterday… my husband and I have been together for just shy of 16 years… I was just 16 when we met… we have had many problems over the years but nothing that ever would pull us apart… until the last few years. I have watched my marriage crumble… sex is a big issue in our marriage… I am going to commit to this because I do believe it could be the saving grace… right now the only other options are to continue to hate each other or get a divorce… which neither of those are appealing. Thank you for sharing this story… you and Chris are a big reason I am perusing my goal to become a personal trainer!!
Challenge accepted! Day 1 complete ?
I found a book about this at my local library and it honestly helped my husband. It was kinda fun finding ways to sneak around our children so we can have us time. It truly works. Thank you for your inspiration!
My husband and I were in the same boat, with three kids and running three businesses. We would get 1 date night a year. It just wasn?t enough. We own our own businesses, so we started taking a ?stay at home date day? while all three kids are in school, each week. That changed everything. It isn?t every day, which would be al ost impossible for us with Special Needs kiddos, but we dedicate time to each other, and to us! Definitely works!
I have been in a relationship for 5 yrs and I still love this man as I did the day our relationship began. I still get excited to see him after a day of work or if either of us are away for a day or 2. But I have realized from his words and his actions that he does not have those feelings that made him come to me 5 yrs ago and tell me he wants to be in a relationship. He loves me but has fallen out of love with me. In the beginning we would make love every day and most days multiple times, now maybe once a week. I would love to try this challenge to bring the man I fell in love back to me but I truly believe he would not. He is trying to push me away, out of his life, so do I even still try?
Wouldn’t hurt to try. Worst thing that can happen is that he confirms what you’re thinking about his feelings and doesn’t want to participate. But, at least then you would KNOW. And once/week is still actually more often than a lot of marriages, so I bet there’s still hope for you both.
Your comment about loving but not being in love rings true with me. We?ve been married nearly 41 years. My husband had prostate cancer and is now impudent. Haven?t had sex in several years. ?Other? means is all we have. My problem is I get no intimacy. If I ask for his help, he will but there is no skin to skin contact and when I kiss him it?s no different than kissing my dad. I feel like a roommate. ? I do love him but zero passion.
Jan I’m so sorry to hear that. Amazing you’ve been married for 41 years! We are coming up on our 6th year of marriage. My husband is a naturopath and I work at the best chiropractic office there is. Have you guys tried anything like that? Just curious because after we started seeing a chiropractor years ago, our sex life improved a ton! Also, because of the cancer is that what the docs said would happen? I only ask bc I’ve done and had things happen that docs told me would never happen. Would love to help with suggesting alternative methods for you both so you can get your intimacy and marriage back to an incredible place.
Hey, I know toys are something taboo to a lot of people but it might help. If he has a sex drive but is just unable to perform the act, he might be open to a strap on of some kind?
Thank you so much for sharing this! My husband and I need to do this. We?ve been together 11 years and starting about 9 years ago we began having difficulty with sex. He just didn?t want it. Over the years he?s been tested (hormones), we?ve gone to multiple therapists, we?ve talked about it & argued about it (becaus it hurts my soul), but nothing changes. We?ve tried to figure out what the problem is, but I guess he las no libido. We?re in our 30?s and have a 4 year old. He refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant, kept saying it would hurt the baby but it just hurt me. We?ve gone though periods where we?ve had sex 2-3 times in a year. I long so deeply for the intimacy! Not just the sex, but the closeness and the cuddling, etc. I lately feel like I?ve almost accepted this is what our life is, friends/roommates. I?ve told him all the above multiple times, we?ve discussed this topic a million times. He?s not a very cuddly person and I am big time, I need it to feel
loved, I always have and will. He knows that, he try?s to show affection sometimes but then it fades again and I always have to ask/beg for it. I?ve thought of s million reasons why he might have this problem, and all have lead us nowhere. It?s not hormones, it?s not infidelity…I?ve wondered if it?s because I?ve gained a lot of weight partially because of some health issues & medications, but this problem started when I was in the best shape of my life so I know it?s not only that. I?ve recentlh been thing of trying to find a sex therapist, because this is an aweful way to live. But, I?m soooo thankful I read what you shared. I want to do this! It sounds scary, overwhelming and imposssible, but worth it if it helps our marriage. My only question is, what about if i?m on my cycle? Can we skip that week? TMI? Thank you again! I really really needed to hear this! Wish me luck bringing this up to him tonight.
Read Heather DeKeyser?s comment. I think it will help you. XO
I?m always the practical one. What about during your period? Mine are so dang heavy it would truly be unpleasant and uncomfortable ?
I was wondering that too
I was thinking the exact same thing!
How about in the shower? Keeps cleanup easier.
Read Heather DeKeyes comment. I think it will help you! XO
I?ve actually found having sex during my heavy period reduces my pain, cramps and slowed down the flow. I have multiple gyn issues and my husband notices a difference too. It?s worth a try.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing! You changed my marriage today!!
Well it?s been over a year without intimacy between my wife and I of soon to be 20yrs. We barely even kiss anymore and the only times we say ?love you? is in text msgs. We argue like we hate each other. It saddens me every time and it?s usually over the silliest stupidest things. She was my best friend and we were inseparable even our children used to say ?gross? when we?d kiss in the kitchen or wherever. Now almost strangers living together. I?m so glad this worked for you Heidi. I?m gonna try and ask her to give this a shot. Lord knows what we are barley hanging onto now doesn?t have much time left.