How Sex Saved My Marriage: The 30 Day Challenge

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Ladies, it’s time we had a talk. Not THE talk, but you’ll definitely need to have had THAT talk before we have THIS talk. It’s a subject that gets joked about, glamorized, and sensationalized, but it’s rarely treated with the sincere power it’s capable of. I’m talking about sex. More specifically, it’s time we had a talk about how much sex you and your significant other are having. A little too personal? Trust me, I agree, and if this wasn’t a subject I felt extremely passionate about, I wouldn’t bring it up.

But truly, sex saved my marriage, and I am willing to bet it could save (or improve!) yours too.

About a year ago, Chris and I sat stoic with bleary, red eyes, completely speechless in the parking lot of a divorce attorney’s office. Seriously. We had spent months completely at each other’s throats, years of the same arguments again and again had turned our hearts cold, and the idea of staying together was seemingly impossible. We sat and stared at each other completely in awe of what we were about to do. And then we had an idea.

A couple weeks prior to us landing in the parking lot of the attorney’s office, we confided in a close friend about our challenges. Between working together, raising children together, and watching our dreams grow and then plummet then begin to grow again, Chris and I had almost ZERO feelings of love and romance for each other left. Sure we loved each other, but is that the same as being in love? No, it’s not.

And truth be told, we BOTH needed to feel loved again, and the idea that it could ever come from each other again was unfathomable. Our friend shared a challenge he and his wife took on during a similar rut in their romance, and he raved about how it healed years old wounds, rekindled a fire they thought had long died out, and turned them from near enemies to best friends.

So what’s the magic challenge? It’s simple: Have sex every. single. day. for 30 days.

I know what you’re thinking, because trust me, I thought alllll the same things. Seriously? How could sex save my marriage? What if I’m too tired? Or sick? Sex is great, but THIRTY days straight? I don’t think we can do that. But then we tried it.

Prior to the challenge, I had very little hope that anything, let alone what goes on between the sheets, could keep Chris and me together, but I am here to say it transformed our marriage. The first few days were business as usual? we hadn’t fought much those days so sex didn’t seem like a terrible idea.

By day 6, though, Chris and I were in the midst of one our infamous knock out, drag down fights. I didn’t even want to LOOK at him, let alone be intimate with him. I walked into our bedroom and declared, “The challenge is over, there’s no point.” And Chris, being a man truer to his integrity than anyone else on earth, said, “No, we made a commitment, and we’re sticking to it.” And so we did. Guys, without divulging too many details (because, ahem, awkward), we went from hating each other’s guts to laughing hysterically, cuddling, and feeling those same warm feelings that we felt many moons ago when we were first dating.

The challenge continued another 24 days with plenty of arguments, hurt feelings, and negative thoughts along the way. However, the next 24 days were also filled with more flirting, quick kisses, silly teases, and friendly moments than we had shared in months…maybe even years. Somewhere along the way, our marriage shifted from business partner-based to best friends who were lucky enough to have sleepovers every single night.

And was it the sex that did it? Maybe partially. But what I believe really changed us was our dedication to spending even 20 minutes every single day completely focused on each other. Despite the good, the bad, and the ugly of the day, despite busy schedules and hurt feelings, we knew that nightly we were going to have the opportunity to put everything aside and just be in love?something Chris and I had never prioritized quite like that before. It gave us silly moments and ones filled with passion, and it allowed us to open up and spend time cuddled up and chatting, an almost extinct act between us previously. The 30 day challenge may have been based on sex, but what we gained from it had nothing to do with sex at all. The 30 day challenge gave us our love back, and in turn, our marriage.

Now, it’s your turn. Whether you’re a newlywed or nearing divorce, I have no doubt in my mind that committing to and completing the 30 day sex challenge can and will improve your feelings of sincere love for your spouse. Now, is it a guaranteed fix for every marital woe? Of course not! But I truly believe in the healing power of this commitment to your loved one. So give it a try and report back. Of course, spare the gory details, πŸ˜‰ but I want to know if it works for you! Did the 30 Day Sex Challenge save your marriage too? Help it? Hurt it? Let me know!

xo,

Heidi

Related reading:

6 Ways to Spend Valentine?s With Your (My) Swolemate
5 Years of (Mostly) Wedded Bliss + How We Met Vid!
Feel the Love?and the Burn! || Ultimate Couple?s Workout
Giving Love to Others
40 for my 40 year old || Why Chris Powell is the Greatest Man on Earth

154 Responses

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  3. I plan on getting more comfortable in my skin by looking in the mirror each day and naming one thing that I truly love about myself. I will write it on a sticky note and stick it on my bathroom mirror. Each day I will review/read each sticky note to remind myself of what makes me a good and beautiful human.

  4. Ever since my husband left me my love life was in a mess. And i always through and wish we were together and that he would come back to my life and our love could stay endless. I wanted to fight this war of love without weapons, but then i realize that he has fully made up his mind against me. He no longer call nor text me, i stay up through the whole night all alone without him to talk with. I was ready to walk through hell to save and restore peace back to my marriage. I finally thank God and the whole universe for sending.

  5. So happy to read this article and the comments so many have shared. I am approaching my 20th wedding anniversary and struggling around intimacy. I have always loved sex and been comfortable where my husband is challenged. Some of his struggles have been around being sexually abused as a child. We have had many marriage struggles over the years but three years ago my husband admitted to being unfaithful. I was crushed as he explained how he wanted to blow things up then realized that he didn’t want that. We went to counseling and tried to find our way back. I worked on forgiving but he seemed unmotivated to work on our intimacy issues. We are best friends and everyone is always complimenting our relationship…if they only knew how we are struggling. So, today I told him for our 20th anniversary I would like 20 days of sex and he said YES! So, wish me luck!! Maybe we will find our way back.

    1. Leah, how did it turn out? Did the 20 days of sex help your marriage? Your story is identical to ours, except the roles are reversed. My wife sounds like your husband, even down to the past sexual abuse, unfaithfulness 3 years ago, and the lack of motivation to work on our intimacy issues! Like you, I?m the one who enjoys sex. She does not desire sex with me, and she does not even get aroused while we are having sex. I try so hard to love and provide for her needs outside the bedroom and to pleasure her in the bedroom, but he just feels bothered when I touch her instead of aroused. When I discovered her unfaithfulness right after our 20th anniversary, we tried counseling, but nothing has helped. I?d love to know if this Sex Challenge worked for your marriage, and/or what else worked for you and your husband!

  6. I wish it were this easy. We’ve been married 33 years, and between my RN shifts at night, 4 kids, and my husband’s job (military and civilian traveling 4 days/week) we rarely even got to go to bed together. We used to go away at least 1 weekend/month to reconnect. But now I am my mother’s full time caregiver in her home, and he lives 3 hours away at our house. He visits when he can, but we can’t really have privacy because I have to listen out for mom. We love each other and are committed, but my biggest problem if we do get a night away is just RELAXING. We’re getting ready to move back together, but his job still keeps him away all week. It feels like we’re just trying to reconnect and deal with life when we do see each other. There’s plenty of hand-holding and hugs etc. but with zero privacy, this is worse than when our kids were little. Did I mention menopause?? I need some ideas about how to even get back to feeling anything other than tired and pushed down with responsibility.

    1. Hi Lynne: Thank you for your comment and for sharing what you’re going through. You’re both definitely dealing with a lot. It sounds like you’re both trying to make the best of a tough situation. Is there someone who could visit with your mom for a few hours here and there so you can both get some away time both now and when you’re back to living together? And are you able to get some time for yourself (again, maybe someone can visit with your mom for a bit so you can do this)? That can help you feel better about yourself, which can then translate into your relationship. Those are just some ideas, and I hope they can help. We wish you both all the best, and we hope you can find some things (even some little things) to help this difficult situation.

  7. My husband and I had sex 3 nights in a roll. Not because of any kind of challenge though, I’m just now researching if sex can revive a dying relationship/marriage. And I came across your article about this challenge. I will say that since we been having sex every night, our daytime encounters are peaceful and pleasant. He’s holding my hand while we’re watching TV together. He’s saying “I love you” again and so am I. And although somewhat predictable, we are both really enjoying are sessions more than the usual once every two weeks sessions. I hope we can continue to have sex everyday for as long as this streak lasts. Hopefully longer than a month.

    1. I am hoping to find more information on this post and challenge. Have followed you for years! I am from Utah and my family moved to Phoenix 10 weeks ago. We are ?happy? but our marriage has seen its rough spots. I think this challenge could help us. We are beyond cold to each other at times and sadly that is showing in our sons anxiety and related behavior. We sure love it here in Arizona but want to feel more love between us as a couple. Help. Please.

  8. Been married 30 years, once I hit menopause the sex stopped because I mentioned it hurt like razor blades. Being a living husband he stopped having sex. We haven?t had it for a about 11 years. Now neither of us try. And too embarrassing to try again.

    1. Cathy, you should try listening to the podcast Sex with Emily or just visit sexwithemily.com. She is fantastic and talks about everything. I’m not sure how I stumbled upon her but I have my husband listening now because she says things I never would, has great ideas and it’s educational. And, it normalizes talk around pleasure, intimacy and sex.

    2. This happened to me and after going to my Gyn I learned that 15% of women in menopause have this thing called vaginal atrophy. It was confusing to me as I did not have issues with lubrication or even arousal. But it was excruciatingly painful and it had never been. The walls of the vagina get paper thin – I used a Premarin cream (like a suppository) for 60 days to rebuild the walls of my vagine and the pain is gone.

  9. Thank you for sharing. I just brought this to my husband to try it out. We’ve been married for 5 months and having issues with closeness and knowing how to love each other. We read the 5 love languages it did help us to understand each other. And now I believe this challenge will take our relationship to another level.

    1. Wow… Every time i see You and Chris are smiling all the time and looks like you really happy and having fun.

      Im really surprised by this divorce idea between you and it makes me feel as…. Some of thosr smiles were fake ??

    2. Me and my wife been together 18 years married for 10. My wife is now 5.5 years cervical cancer free and we have marriage problems along with dealing with her mood swings now on HRT at 37 and No physical intermency. But thank you who would of thought you and Sir Chris Powell having problems.

    3. It must not have been easy making the decision to share your story with the world and respect the amount of courage it would have taken both of you.
      Social media mostly seems to show the picture perfect life or relationship, so thank you so much for posting this.
      Honestly, this is something I needed to see cause hopefully this can help my new marriage. We are best friends but the intimacy has gone for a number of reasons. If we can set aside our insecurities, differences and stubbornness and just spend time each day together it might be able to save our marriage.
      Thank you again!!

  10. Hi. My sons girlfriend shared this blog with me…. It seems like a good idea… 30 days straight of all kinds of sex moves. I like that idea.
    Like most Women posting thier experiences is kinda of refreshing to know there are other women going through the similar challenges.
    My issue is that my Husband is not healthy – mentally….. we have sex and most of the time it?s – great. We?re both accommodating….
    How I understand this in the way this blog has been written…. it?s not about the SEX … it?s living everyday with someone who has their own ways of what marriage is or how we handle the challenges…. chooseing the battles that are just not worth it!! Have sex instead. I agree….

    In my marriage…. it seems to be one sided… and just in the last year it?s financial…

    My husband is not a nice person verbally….. and has always struggled with that kind of behavior…. he is A DIRTY FIGHTER. … he will not stay in our marriage counseling and does not take responsibility … he is also NOT HAPPY WITH HIMSELF. He has also become so hateful about life and with me…. because i won?t let him project himself onto me….pisses him off… I wish this would work…. but, I?m my case…. as soon as I come forward and try to smooth him , so we can put down barriers ….we?ll get there and life is good for a week or so… then something or many things trigger him and he gets back to the resentment of almost everything… he likes to argue about everything…. he has become a VERY TOXIC-PERSON. to be around…. it makes me so disturbed that he is this his behavior….
    However, I can put bad feelings away and have sex. Because I like it as much with him as he does with me….. it?s his current metal illness that gets in the way of intimacy… lm all about this challenge… I really don?t feel like he would be willing…. Or would at least RESPECT the process….
    I am TOO DEEPLY HURT that I feel like he in love with his hate and darkness and not in love with me….

    There – I shared my dirty soap box.

    1. Please be strong, I believe God will help you through, dealing with a man like that is really troubling, but I am happy that you are still fighting for your marriage.

    2. You are not alone. I know how much strength and love you need and how terrible this can be. It’s my story, too. And not a “dirty soap box story”…it’s a Love story.

    3. Im so srry girl ?. Reading your words, felt like you were talking about my life. Our stories are scarily similar. ?? Stay strong

    4. As someone who who struggles with some of the issues you shared similar to your husband. I don’t have mental illness but I am unable to work due to debilitatating pain sometimes I just need a reminder from my wife I don’t want to be negative because I don’t realize that I am. I wish you only the best my wife struggles with intimacy she weighs 140 pounds and thinks she’s fat I am well over 300 and she is insecure with her looks and body we all have our struggles. I feel like couples who love each other can make it work

    5. Came onto this site by accident. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He has always had a wondering eye and had 3 affairs I know off, I thought he was going to walk out so I had an affair too although I felt nothing. I love my husband. He always brings it up and I dont. My kinesiologist told me he is going to walk out in 2 years. I am devastated beyond belief. I love him so much. He does drink and chooses to drink with his buddies and feels like he chooses them above me but when we are together we enjoy each other. We started having sex again after 3 years of no sex and I pray this will save my marriage and that he can fall in love with me again

  11. Hello ?? I?m new to our blog. The first thing I see is about Sex. Lol this should be good I thought ?. Well it was ! Honest Revealing and Bold ? Thank you. I?m 50 new yo Arizona with my husband far away from my daughter and the NY. Is so nice to see you and your family in this together. ?

    1. A lot of women don?t have periods anymore. It?s birth control methods OR a towel OR shower? There are ways ma?am.

    2. Flex … look it up. It will change your ideas on period sex. During that time of the month your nerves are on full fire mode so most say the sex is way better. Bleeding is always the hurdle and that is where Flex comes in.

    3. Who cares?! Sex during your period is amazing! Take a shower after and lay a towel down during. No biggie!! Try it. ?

  12. Thank you for being so honest Heidi!
    I would love to do the 30 days challenge even though me and my husband are quite happy, but my husband works nights only and during the day I am at work or we have our 4 years old girl around so I find it impossible to have sex every day.

  13. My husband and I still do it during that time of the month. We put a towel underneath me, and he obviously uses protection. It is nice because there is more natural lubrication during that time.

  14. Headed down divorce row … the thought of having sex with him makes me want to ? vomit . You two are amazing and so glad it worked and saved yours , but mine is over . He wanted to do the responsible thing and after 11 years i just want someone to really love me . Thanks for sharing your story .

  15. Maybe now as I read your blog we should of tried this but too late…thank you for being honest with everything. You are one unique woman! Gods Blessings to you both!?

  16. I?m almost in tears. My husband and I have been together for almost 30 years, married 27 years, in May. I?m at that point y?all were. Everything has been just dead between us, even though we still do love each other.

    One question. Yes, it?s a gory one. I have a thing about sex and that time of the month. Do you still do it (for lack of a better term) during that time? It?s never bothered him, but kinda grosses me out. Sorry if too personal.

    I definitely want to try this. He will be ecstatic, I?m sure, haha.

    Thank you so much for having the guts to talk about this! I?m so happy you and Chris are back in love again.

    1. My husband and I actually did this challenge back when it wasn’t a fad. To answer your question, I powered through “those days.” I used to think GROSS, but it actually changed my feelings. I realized I was desirable regardless of what I looked like or the “state” I was in. Hope that helps??

  17. Marriage is like weight-loss! You have to chose to change the way you approach the relationship. If you have an unhealthy relationship with food, your weight is not going anywhere. Same goes with marriage! You can’t expect to neglect your spouse and expect things to go well. If I neglect good food and spend all my time flirting with junk food, do you think I will lose weight? Hecky no! Why would it shock anyone that if I neglect to make my spouse a priority like healthy food (it’s 90% of the game baby!) , that my marriage or any relationship would suffer?

    1. I love and adore you both by the way! SOOOO happy you made it work, but Chris taught me to be me and speak up so that is what I’m doing. You go Glenn Coco (aging myself LOL)

    1. I want to try this! Question is what if you just don?t care to have sex? I have a low sex drive and could care less if I ever have sex again. Do u just force it? Me and my hubby have a good relationship however I would like to want to have sex more. Any suggestions?

    2. Jess, sometimes just doing it will make you want it more. It’s like exercising, when you first start you hate every minute of it, but eventually your body starts to crave the endorphins.

  18. I once was a “hostage” in a sexless marriage. My ex-husband had a non-existent libido and made me feel I had some kind of disorder for wanting sex. I couldn’t mention wanting sex, I couldn’t joke about it, in his words “everything with me had to do with sex”… I felt undesired, unattractive, invisible. I felt inadequate. And what do you do when someone doesn’t want to have sex with you? Nothing. I accepted and resented him. It was really strange because he was affectionate in different ways, like hugging, holding hands but sex was virtually off the table. I stayed with him for 16 years, 16 years of this! Eventually, the marriage started to crumble and fell apart, and in our case, the lack of sex was just a symptom of deeper issues. Divorcing was the best thing that has ever happened to me though. My now husband just loves sex as much as I do, he has a healthy approach to sex, no judgments, open to experiment. We have sex when we want, whenever we can, no agendas, no obligations, just genuine pleasure. It’s my dream come true! What I also learned is that couples NEED to communicate. We are very open, very honest. To us the combination of amazing sex and great combination is what makes us stronger each day.

    1. I’m also in a hostage of such. My wife sex drive is very low. I’m sexually depressed. She always comes up with excuses and I sometimes feel like maybe she’s not attracted to me anymore. But there are things she does that makes me relax and knowing she loves me. But we can take 3 to 4 weeks without having sex, and when we have, it’s when I feel like I forced it to happen or when she feels pity for me. I end up just having it but not enjoying. We’ve been together for 9 years and are married for 2 years. Have 3 kids together.

    2. I have been in a sexless marriage for 25 years. What does one do?? I?ve done everything possible and I?m not fat at all and had 2 kids 24 years ago. I tell him and tell him and allbhe says is once a month is fine and I need help but then again what would one expect when he enjoys porn at his job and takes care of himself vs wanting the real thing me his Wife. The truth finally has catchy up with him and no counselor in the world can help this I know been there done that. It?s up to him and up to me now if I want to endure this anymore. I?m
      Young at 47 but the problem is me one of our there who is serious about wanting a good Woman. When a Man sees me it?s all about the body and looks. Been like this since I was 11. I so sick of it. Divorce rate is 74 percent high and Law was my major and I?ve akways kept the spark up and always been the one to initiate intimacy. He only has 8 times in 25 years. I feel so ugly and alone and I?ve prayed. Houston, Cypress, Texas. Anyome reading this your not alone and I?m not dead at the age of 80 either. Reply back

  19. I find this interesting because… well we are all different. What may work for one may not work for another. I believe that physical sexual connection is such a critical piece in a marriage. Because as we all know life is busy, schedules are crazy! The full time working mommy?s out there are exhausted by the time the kiddos are put to bed! Honestly most times the last thing on the brain is sex! I?m so happy that you and Your husband were able to reconnect really it?s a blessing! No one wants to see a family torn apart! That yummy part of my marriage has been gone for years it?s just part of the routine now. ?? Biggest reason for me and I hate to admit this because my once gorgeous husband has let himself go for YEARS!!!!!! It has so changed our bedroom life! I?ve tried to motivate support you name it I?ve tried it. Nothing works…. he just won?t workout doesn?t try to get back to him! I?m sorry but let?s be honest here when we see someone for the first time even before words are spoken there is a physical chemistry that sparks between two people. Hey I?ve been with my guy for 17 years and would never leave because of what I speak about BUT I wish he could see how this impacts things. We?ve talked about it but he just gets mad so we put it away cause we never get anywhere! I feel bad as his wife I worry about his health first and foremost! The thought of having sex for 30 days doesn?t appeal to me. I wish it did Lord knows I pray all the Time asking God to please open my husbands eyes and ears! I?m 46 and my husband is 40. I?ve always been in good shape health and fitness is just who I am. I believe he was very attracted to that. Back in the day my fella was quite an athlete but now just a frumpy over worked stressed out guy! I know he doesn?t feel good and certainly doesn?t look good! ? I love my husband that?s a give in been through the shit and back more times than I care to admit! I loved your post Heidi it takes courage for sure to put it out there. And hey it just may help couples out there struggling because we all do! Take care peace love and Joy!

    1. Did you ever think that your are looking at the situation the wrong way. My husband used to say the same about me, that I didn?t look the way he wanted me to. Have you ever thought about how those kinds of thoughts can negatively effect your husband and make him feel unworthy and depressed. Marriage is not one sided and nothing is ever all to blame on one spouse. Can you honestly say that your love for your husband is so shallow that it all goes out the window because he doesn?t look the way you want him to. Do you look exactly like you did when you first started dating. I challenge you to pray a new prayer. I whole heartedly believe in the power of prayer and I know nothing is too big that God can?t change it. I challenge you to pray that God would change YOUR heart, that God would help you to reconnect with your husband in whatever way HE sees best. If you aren?t willing to try Heidi?s challenge, then pray the above mentioned prayer for thirty days straight. I believe God can fix your marriage. You just have to believe that it will happen, no matter if it?s how you think is best or not.

    2. What if his motivation has to come from keeping up with you in the bedroom? What if God’s answer to your prayers only comes if you open your heart and love on your hubby where is and not where he used to be? Just food for thought.

    3. Karen, maybe if you start with just kissing him passionately for 30 days it may spark something in him that will wake his drive up. And if he sees how happy you are to be with him he may want to go back to working out for you and him both. He will feel better. Sex is a stress release just like working out.

    4. I appreciate this comment so much! I am in the same boat. Sadly I spent so many years fighting to stay in shape and he didn?t I became tired and let myself go too. I?m angry at him for dragging me down but I?m more angry at myself for letting him. His job loss after job loss is also getting to me. Sex isn?t even on the table anymore. With so many big issues how do we do this for 30 days…? Physical connection matters when it comes to sex, while it?s not the only thing it?s near the top.

    5. You say ?wish he could see how this impacts things? but don?t you see how your attitude/disgust towards him is really the thing impacting your marriage?

      And For all those saying ?the thought of having sex with him/her just doesn?t appeal to me, I can?t? that?s THE POINT. If it did appeal to you, you probably wouldn?t be experiencing deeper issues. Get out of your comfort zone, try it and like Heidi said, the fringe benefits (hugging, kissing, flirting, cuddling, laughing) is what?s going to hopefully spark something.

    6. Nuks: You can’t continue like this. Things will only get worse, with resentment building by the day. You need to get into marriage counseling quickly; if you can afford it, a sex therapist. At the very least you need to let your wife know where things are leading, and explain that sex isn’t just a physical act that creates kids, or something that horny teenagers engage in, but rather something that brings you closer, emotionally, to your wife. Something that makes you want to cuddle in bed with her. Something that reassures you. It’s 2 or 3 weeks between sex now; for most, that qualifies as basically sexless. You’re likely to see that moving to 2 or 3 months. Do something sooner than later.

  20. I tried that. It made me feel terrible. I soon after that realized I am asexual. I wouldn?t recommend this approach but I?m glad things worked out for you. Making a commitment to have sex even when I didn?t feel like it just about wrecked me.

  21. Thank you so much for sharing your message on social media about the 30 day challenge. My husband and I got married in August of 2018. We are really struggling right now with intimacy. We work together and with very minimal time together. It?s always business. (we see each other but we don?t SEE each other) At times I feel like I don?t know him anymore. It?s so sad. I care about him deeply and I know he feels the same but we are just so pissed at each other. We don?t know what do to. So, I am going to talk to him about the 30 day challenge. I hope that he will be on board with it. Again, thank you so much! I am looking forward to reporting back without details. πŸ™‚
    Thank you!
    A

  22. I love seeing pictures and videos of you two and seeing what a wonderful relationship you have been able to have. And thank you for being so honest and open about your struggles. I’m really excited to try this challenge and see what it does for our marriage, cause I’ve definitely felt like something is different or missing in the past few months. Love you both!

  23. I wish it were that easy for me. Sadly I?ve been diagnosed with lichen schlerosis and sex is too painful. Me and my husband have been married 23 going on 24 years. We haven?t had sex in 5 years. He?s a wonderful man who deserves to have a healthy sex life which I don?t know if will ever again be possible with me. The future looks bleak in that respect.

  24. My husband and I have been married for 20 years, together for 25 with 3 kids. Few years into our marriage we noticed that we would argue when life got in the way which meant we didn’t touch each other except when we had sex. We have always had a strong sex life, but once we realized the correlation of the touch we made it a habit every morning and night to just hug. close body contact hug…sometimes its for minutes and other times its for 30 seconds. But when we stop touching each other we get cranky and snippy with each other. That hug helps in so many ways – stress goes away, kids are happy, we are happy. Touch is a magical thing.

  25. I have followed both of you for years and I always admire your honesty. I’m very happy this worked for you, however I have to ask without expecting an answer, what on earth can you possibly have to fight about that much? My husband died two months ago and thankfully we rarely argued. I would do anything to have him back but we rarely wasted our energy arguing with each other. You have to choose your battles because no two people will ever agree on everything. But I’ve read a lot about you two arguing and I don’t understand it. It’s not for me to understand I’m just saying put into perspective what you would do if your husband was suddenly gone? All of those things you argued about wouldn’t matter so stop fighting about everything because most likely it’s trivial things that don’t matter. And if you don’t already know, figure out what your love language is for each of you. There’s a book about it and it’s very helpful. Good luck ?

    1. I?m sorry for the loss of your husband. You are so lucky to have had, what sounds like a healthy relationship. You are very blessed and I would think you both worked hard to keep your relationship strong and love each other. However I do think that is what Heidi and Chris are doing as well..but everyone has different personalities and different strengths and weaknesses. MOST relationships do have arguments, and though it doesn?t mean you don?t love each other, for most couples, relationships require constant work and commitment over and over. This is not a negative thing, just reality. There are lot of factors that go into this. My husband and I know each other?s love languages, and while I think it?s great to know them, this doesn?t mean that we are always perfect at ?filling each other?s cups? in these areas. I admire Heidi for being so vulnerable to display their relationship struggles publicly in an effort to relate to and help other couples doing through the same thing??

    2. I was wondering about this also. My husband and I have been married 15 years and very rarely argue… maybe once per year and it lasts like 5 min before we realize it is stupid…. it?s not worth energy.

    3. People are different, relationships are different. Some people communicate better than others and some people are more mature emotionally than others. I also think that the situation around the couple counts a lot – a large family, busy schedules, growing businesses… I can see it being stressful and making things harder sometimes. I think the key thing is solving/fixing what needs to be addressed instead of having an on-going argument forever because the real issue is still there.

  26. I have to disagree with you. I am not saying you are wrong, because everyone can find greatness in their marriage through different things. But to me, having sex with my husband is just the icing on the cake, the extra piece to love each other. I cannot base my relationship with him around sex, why? Because marriage has to be a lot more than loving your partner through sex. Marriage is about conquering things together and going through ups and down together as partners, communicate likes and dislikes, even when one of you is indiferent about sex, YES! That does not mean you do not love that person just because you don’t feel like having “sex” with him or her that night, or that week or that month! If you feel you need to that to keep him with you, then he is definitely not loving YOU for who you are or for what you can offer him besides sex. Just my opinion.

    1. It sounds to me that you have a very different view on what sex is and only are thinking of the physical side of it. Heidi explained that they had already gone through the ups and downs, built a business and were raising a family. What was MISSING, was that intimidate connection. A Godly act if you will. Not a ?oh I?m so horny and if you don?t give it to me I?m leaving? type of deal. She even said it wasn?t about the sex. It was about making a conscious effort to show up and be present for each other and ONLY each other every single night. I think she put this beautifully, and it?s a great challenge. πŸ™‚

    2. There is a difference between loving someone & building a life on that love and being IN LOVE where there?s passion like when you first met. I 100% agree with Heidi on this as I know for a fact our marriage and love for one another grew and yes it?s partially just spending that ?quality time? together , loving each other with no distractions. no phone, no kids, no tv, no computer just eachother in the most vulnerable way possible. That?s passion , that?s being madly in love again πŸ™‚

    3. I agree with you 100% J. I was thinking that people were being critical of Heidi basing this only on sex but I don?t believe that was it at all. It?s exactly as you said, focusing on each other and only each other for a period of time a day. I can?t imagine the type of schedule they have. Kudos for them to make it work and not give up. No matter what it took. No judgements need to be given.

    4. Ok, but what happens when that may be his need and he gives you what you need whatever that is and lives you regardless of the sec? Well I can tell you what happens if it starts to turn into feelings of resentment the stress relief and to feel wanted by wife she likes sex but dies not need or one that you’re as much as me but she needs hugs and back and shoulder rubs to relieve her stress. All I’m saying is help each other out I would give anything for having sex with Me 3 times a week I don’t get that but I am completely in love with her so I’m not going anywhere. I hope that things will change it’s not all her fault I have caused a lot of stress because I have struggle with the pain pills prescribed for my debillitating back pain. Unfortunately I have lied to her and spend a lot of money on pills over the year we’re trying to work through that and I hope that will be closer as I get that problem under control and move on from it. I do feel like it would be easier to move on from with more stress relief from sex.

  27. Wow, thank you so much for your transparency about this issue. This will change marriages and change lives. Thank you thank you thank you.

  28. I?m newly married. And I feel like we?re in a great place. We have a wonderful foundation as a couple, our relationship was never based on sex. One of my biggest fears is losing connection, because sex is nearly impossible for us. My husband has an endocrine condition that has destroyed his libido and left him with crippling ED. I?m 39 and I?m terrified of a future without sex. I crave that connection with him, and I?m afraid about what it means in the long run.

  29. My husband and I took this challenge two years ago. We had just moved and while content together, we had been under massive stress for years. It was like a vacation without travel. We recalled that home is with each other and not a house. I have told my friends as they approached marriage, “Sex is like a Zamboni. It glosses over the small issues and fills in some gaps, but it won’t fill cracks in foundations.” Sometimes gloss will help a couple see where work needs to be done. I am so glad this helped my favorite celebrity couple stay together.

  30. My husband and I both were previously married. Both of us had sexless marriages and our previous spouses cheated. Early in our relationship we found something that said the average couple have sex 89 times a year. We took that as a challenge and decided to track how quickly we could get to that number. It took us 41 days. We had so much fun tracking that we have kept doing it. We?re 3 years and 2 months in to our marriage. One month we hit 91. We have had 2 kids since getting married so that caused some days without but we make it a priority at least once a day. If we can sneak away from our 5 kids to have a rendezvous which makes it even more fun… even if they?re pounding on the door. The first year we hit 805 in one calendar year. The next year 505, and last year 407. This year we?re kind of low due to my c-section on 1/11. But we?ve found it makes such a difference in how we feel about each other. That and making sure God is the center of our marriage. Thank you so much for sharing this. It?s so important to our intimacy in marriage!

    1. Lol, I am exhausted just reading your post. I don?t know what kind of schedules you have but that amount of sex sounds like a full time job. ?

  31. Love this!! I?m gonna try it!!! We?ve been pretty distant lately ?
    Maybe this will help us.
    But, umm, what about your period??? Isn?t that kinda awkward??

    1. When you have your period just go under the shower it?ll stop it, wash inside quickly with water if you prefer. And if you (or your jus and) are still ill at ease with the idea, use a condom or try new sex stuff (sex is not only about penetration)

  32. I read ALL the comments! I hope everyone who tries this challenge supports Heidi’s vulnerability on March 15th to let her know how this it went for you.

  33. Been married just shy of 20 years and this past year has been awful. My wife has emotionally and physically shut me out and we ignore and fight each other almost daily. We?ve had our problems in the past and many caused by my actions and words. Always been faithful but my immaturity over the years has done more harm than good. We?ve always seem to bounce back, so I thought but now it?s seems she?s had enough. We haven?t had sex or been intimate in over a year. She says she is just not in that place and doesn?t have loving feelings for me anymore. She doesn?t know if divorce is what she wants or not but I have the feeling if we didn?t have kids involved she?d be out the door. I love her very much but I feel it?s out of my hands at this point. We see therapists, but individually, she doesn?t want marriage counseling. To suggest a 30 day sex challenge to her at this point would NOT be something she would go for. I?d give anything to find a way to reconnect and be husband and wife again! Wish there was a simpler way. Only time will tell. Hard living like this.

    1. Ross. Take a look at the love dare. It?s a book and while not 30 days of sex it is relationship altering in many of the same ways.

    2. Start with small things…flowers, clean something, do dishes, make her feel special-wanted. Then keep doing it and add more… it should snowball from there. You must put in some work, look to bless her.

    3. You should look into Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel it’s a great program and things you could do even if she doesn’t want to. The Love Dare is wonderful too

    4. I was going to suggest make sure to make her a priority. Intimacy isn’t always about sex especially for a woman. They need to know you are there. In Heidi’s case, sex was a way for them to have a connection physically and emotionally even if its 20 min a day. Just make a priority to make her first. Talk to her and really listen. Show her you appreciate her. Help her around the house more. Take her on a date every week. Find new things to do together.

  34. Dear Heidi, my husband and I were a couple since I was 19 and he 23. (I am 50+ now). But in 2010 he got sick again and diagnosed to not get well anymore (kidneycancer with metastases in the head). In the first years sex was not an issue but when he lost his second kidney in 2017 I had lost all my appetite in him as a lover. Besides a dialysis catheter sticking out of his chest, this was of course not sexy at all, he was often very tired and coldly. But the love remained luckily. Last September 7th he passed away and now I feel regretting to have not loved each other more physically. But now it’s to late…perhaps if we both tried harder at the time it could have been nice anyway…

    1. Wow, you are a bad person. He was dying and you expected him to try harder to be intimate? The fact that you described equipment that was keeping him alive as not sexy and you lost your appetite shows you need to work on yourself more.

  35. I can say that 5 years ago my husband wanted a divorce. I believe mostly the issue was sex and we started having sex all the time. To make a long story short, after a few months he didn’t want a divorce. Now I’m in menopause and had my first ever painful experience, I got on hormone therapy from my gynecologist. First time in my life I wanted to initiate sex. Husband is telling me no. Find a good gyno to work with.

  36. I HATE SEX THOUGH… I?m the one with no libido… and I can honestly say I?ve never had one. I have Been married 20 years… (and yes we have done all the hormone testing and treating)
    I can?t orgasm, I never have. I don?t know what I ?like?, because I don?t like any of it.
    This idea literally makes me physically recoil. Believe me I wish it could be fixed. But we have tried so much with never getting anywhere except more frustrated.

    1. Have your husband (well, both of you) read the book ?She Comes First?. I?m the same way as you with actual intercourse, I have never had an orgasm from it. I?m fine with that tho, because there?s oral sex and it?s AMAZING! If you haven?t had the big O from that either, your husband needs help, and this book should do the trick! Go buy it immediately! Good luck?

    2. You need to masturbate with a vibrator- all alone in your house until you do. Just relax and let it happen.

    3. Anonymous,
      Have you tried therapy for yourself? You may have a regressed trauma that you are unaware of. I know you will think I’m crazy, but it was definitely an issue in my life that I didn’t even know I had. Good luck to you!

    4. I?m having the same issue. Though I can orgasim with a vibrator I can?t with sex and I?m totally fine without having sex but my husband is a very sexual person and needs it and craves it. I?m doing my best trying to get in the mood. I?m not happy with myself physically and am in the process of getting weight loss surgery in a couple months and I?m hoping when I get smaller I?ll be more interested in sex but no matter what I don?t have orgasim during sex so sex doesn?t do anything to me and honestly, TMI alert, it?s messy. And that annoys me. I haven?t spoken to a gyno to much about it. The one time I did she said try different positions. Well I have and nothing. Maybe I should talk to one again and maybe there is a libido booster or something that can help. I thought you hit your peek sexual point in your 30?s well I?m 34 and hasn?t happened. Good luck to you. Know your not alone. I have no libido just like you. It sux.

    5. Dear Anonymous…..I can very much relate to your comment because I was not able to orgasm for most of my adult life but then my (now) husband encouraged me to use a tool (vibration of any sort) and for the first time my body responded. I was already in my 40’s then and now 54 years old we use it while having sex with my loving and understanding husband and have orgasms every time which if you never had one and then experience it will rock your world. It would be a shame for you to loose out on such an amazing ability in our body that the most natural thing. ??

    6. Oh I know how you feel! I have never ever in my life (& I am 47) had a sex drive! It?s just not my thing. I don?t like kissing, cuddling , none of that. & then I got sick! Adenomyosis, (very painful!) Hashimotos, hypothyroidism & a handful of other things that go along with it, made my libido nonexistent. My poor husband is very understanding but it?s really not fair to him. But I can?t help the way I feel…. the way I?ve always felt! A 30 day sex challenge? I don?t know, my body is pretty outta whack for that!

    7. Ya…. I have dozens of vibrators. None can get me there, solo or with my husband. We?ve tried oral sex a lot, that doesn?t happen either.
      and I honestly don?t believe that he?s not doing it right….
      Because even trying solo on my own nothing arouses me. I?m broken.

  37. I have not been interested in sex with my husband for years. I can say that when we first started dating we had sex all the time but in all actuality when it got closer to the wedding I got more disinterested in it because it wasn?t that good. So for 9 months before our wedding we decided to stop having sex so our wedding night would be more special….it was OK. Thru the years we tried different things and for the longest time I decided that he really just wasn?t that ?good? at sex. But now after 36 years I have finally come to the conclusion that it truly is me. First off I am 55 and menopausal and having sex hurts. I have tried creams and ointments from the Dr but seriously it just isn?t worth it. I am in my head too much and sexually I feel completely incompatible with him. I wouldn?t mind having some intimacy. Just cuddling and skin to skin contact but he is a man…he wants more if we touch skin. We don?t have anything that we do separately other than I go to the gym every weekday for an hour. Other than that we live together work together ride together shop together. He is a good man a great dad and a wonderful grandfather but we are roommates. But I?m not going anywhere and neither is he. We just need to become husband and wife again.

  38. I’m a sex therapist south of Denver, and want to thank you for sharing. I speak with individuals and couples about this pretty much all day, every day. Now, most couples cannot do the 30 day challenge. Too many wounds, and honestly, sex is sometimes the only thing a woman can keep for herself inside a marriage where she is hurting. A lot of men’s love language is physical touch. However, sex can happen MANY ways, and does not mean intercourse-sex necessarily. Orgasm and intercourse should not be the focus or goal of sex. The goal should be connection and pleasure. Emotional safety and eroticism. On your period? Mutual masturbation can be so fun! Pissed as hell at each other? Agree with one another that the argument topic is still there, but you are committed to connecting with each other through intimacy/sex. Baths, massages, role play, naked cuddling, are all ways to have sex. Most people tell me I’m crazy, but focusing on intercourse sex all the time isnt realistic. Medications, illness, pain for women (which isnt talked about enough at all) can keep intercourse from happening the way we want it to. Sex shouldn’t really be seen ever as “bad”. Sure, maybe it didnt happen the way/feel the way “YOU wanted it to”. Most sex just stops in the middle if it isnt “good or great”. Bur if couples would giggle and say, let’s try something else, intimacy deepens, sex continues, and you dont feel cut off. Rejection is huge when it comes to sex. It’s really amazing you and Chris could recreate your own couples sexual style. One of my favorite parts of my job is helping couples redefine their sexuality with each other. πŸ™‚

    1. If your wife is fat and old… And yoh dont find her attractive. All these things you mentioned would be pointless

  39. I was actually looking up some articles about this yesterday… my husband and I have been together for just shy of 16 years… I was just 16 when we met… we have had many problems over the years but nothing that ever would pull us apart… until the last few years. I have watched my marriage crumble… sex is a big issue in our marriage… I am going to commit to this because I do believe it could be the saving grace… right now the only other options are to continue to hate each other or get a divorce… which neither of those are appealing. Thank you for sharing this story… you and Chris are a big reason I am perusing my goal to become a personal trainer!!

    1. I found a book about this at my local library and it honestly helped my husband. It was kinda fun finding ways to sneak around our children so we can have us time. It truly works. Thank you for your inspiration!

  40. My husband and I were in the same boat, with three kids and running three businesses. We would get 1 date night a year. It just wasn?t enough. We own our own businesses, so we started taking a ?stay at home date day? while all three kids are in school, each week. That changed everything. It isn?t every day, which would be al ost impossible for us with Special Needs kiddos, but we dedicate time to each other, and to us! Definitely works!

  41. I have been in a relationship for 5 yrs and I still love this man as I did the day our relationship began. I still get excited to see him after a day of work or if either of us are away for a day or 2. But I have realized from his words and his actions that he does not have those feelings that made him come to me 5 yrs ago and tell me he wants to be in a relationship. He loves me but has fallen out of love with me. In the beginning we would make love every day and most days multiple times, now maybe once a week. I would love to try this challenge to bring the man I fell in love back to me but I truly believe he would not. He is trying to push me away, out of his life, so do I even still try?

    1. Wouldn’t hurt to try. Worst thing that can happen is that he confirms what you’re thinking about his feelings and doesn’t want to participate. But, at least then you would KNOW. And once/week is still actually more often than a lot of marriages, so I bet there’s still hope for you both.

  42. Your comment about loving but not being in love rings true with me. We?ve been married nearly 41 years. My husband had prostate cancer and is now impudent. Haven?t had sex in several years. ?Other? means is all we have. My problem is I get no intimacy. If I ask for his help, he will but there is no skin to skin contact and when I kiss him it?s no different than kissing my dad. I feel like a roommate. ? I do love him but zero passion.

    1. Jan I’m so sorry to hear that. Amazing you’ve been married for 41 years! We are coming up on our 6th year of marriage. My husband is a naturopath and I work at the best chiropractic office there is. Have you guys tried anything like that? Just curious because after we started seeing a chiropractor years ago, our sex life improved a ton! Also, because of the cancer is that what the docs said would happen? I only ask bc I’ve done and had things happen that docs told me would never happen. Would love to help with suggesting alternative methods for you both so you can get your intimacy and marriage back to an incredible place.

    2. Hey, I know toys are something taboo to a lot of people but it might help. If he has a sex drive but is just unable to perform the act, he might be open to a strap on of some kind?

  43. Thank you so much for sharing this! My husband and I need to do this. We?ve been together 11 years and starting about 9 years ago we began having difficulty with sex. He just didn?t want it. Over the years he?s been tested (hormones), we?ve gone to multiple therapists, we?ve talked about it & argued about it (becaus it hurts my soul), but nothing changes. We?ve tried to figure out what the problem is, but I guess he las no libido. We?re in our 30?s and have a 4 year old. He refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant, kept saying it would hurt the baby but it just hurt me. We?ve gone though periods where we?ve had sex 2-3 times in a year. I long so deeply for the intimacy! Not just the sex, but the closeness and the cuddling, etc. I lately feel like I?ve almost accepted this is what our life is, friends/roommates. I?ve told him all the above multiple times, we?ve discussed this topic a million times. He?s not a very cuddly person and I am big time, I need it to feel
    loved, I always have and will. He knows that, he try?s to show affection sometimes but then it fades again and I always have to ask/beg for it. I?ve thought of s million reasons why he might have this problem, and all have lead us nowhere. It?s not hormones, it?s not infidelity…I?ve wondered if it?s because I?ve gained a lot of weight partially because of some health issues & medications, but this problem started when I was in the best shape of my life so I know it?s not only that. I?ve recentlh been thing of trying to find a sex therapist, because this is an aweful way to live. But, I?m soooo thankful I read what you shared. I want to do this! It sounds scary, overwhelming and imposssible, but worth it if it helps our marriage. My only question is, what about if i?m on my cycle? Can we skip that week? TMI? Thank you again! I really really needed to hear this! Wish me luck bringing this up to him tonight.

  44. I?m always the practical one. What about during your period? Mine are so dang heavy it would truly be unpleasant and uncomfortable ?

    1. I?ve actually found having sex during my heavy period reduces my pain, cramps and slowed down the flow. I have multiple gyn issues and my husband notices a difference too. It?s worth a try.

  45. Well it?s been over a year without intimacy between my wife and I of soon to be 20yrs. We barely even kiss anymore and the only times we say ?love you? is in text msgs. We argue like we hate each other. It saddens me every time and it?s usually over the silliest stupidest things. She was my best friend and we were inseparable even our children used to say ?gross? when we?d kiss in the kitchen or wherever. Now almost strangers living together. I?m so glad this worked for you Heidi. I?m gonna try and ask her to give this a shot. Lord knows what we are barley hanging onto now doesn?t have much time left.

  46. My husband and I have been together 40 years! At about 20 years, after 4 kids and all of life?s challenges, we almost fell apart. We began counseling and after about a year we were better than ever. The love we share now is so real, so fun and so deep! Don?t give up people!! Fight for your relationships!!! The work is humbling and difficult, but so worth it!!! You will emerge with a love few ever know!!!! I?m praying for all that have commented here!!!

  47. I love this so much. We don?t have sex enough, but DANG, when we do, we?re both totally different people: More patient with each other and our kids, more affectionate, happier, more optimistic. Clearly we need to try this to being the good moods on more often!

  48. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this! I am crying while reading this, so I think it?s time to give my marriage the boost it so desperately needs, and try this before it?s too late. <3

    1. I can fully agree with the ED. Recently my husband went gluten free and it has helped with his ED significantly. Maybe it?s something he can try.

    2. It could be he is too embarrassed to seek help for it because he is feeling he is too young to have Ed issues and that he is less of a man because of it. Maybe extra reassurance that it’s ok, and that your behind him every step of the way… You can also try other ways of being intimate.. I hope things get better for you

    3. Right there with you. I?m 47 and have been married for 13 years now and for the last 6 years or so, it?s been MAYBE once a year? So by definition, a ?sexless marriage?. And it doesn?t matter how many times you are told not to take it personally, it feels like a rejection every single time. It starts to hurt enough to keep you from even bringing up the subject. It?s easier to just tell yourself ?Well, I guess this is what marriage looks like after so many years.? You?re the only one who can decide if you?re willing to live without passion/physical intimacy. Just know you?re not alone.

    4. Does your husband take medicine for it? If not encourage him to go , believe me you both will be happy he did. My husband has it but with the meds we are still able to have a good sex life.

  49. Thank you so much for sharing this! I am divorced now and looking back I wonder if doing something like this challenge would have helped! Being intimate breaks down barriers and allows trust to be built .. it forces us to let go and be vulnerable.. I just appreciate your realness so much! I believe Your openness about this is going to help a lot of marriages!

  50. I?m right there, a 22 year marriage on the verge of divorce, we havent even had sex but maybe 3 times this past year. Hanging on only because our kids and our commitment. I?m going to give it a shot, despite my resentment , I?m going to commit to this challenge.

    Thank you for being so transparent, I?ll let you know how it goes .

    30 days…..I can do this….?…wish me luck. ?

  51. My Mom told me when I got married 17 years ago… that a man feels loved when his penis is loved and a woman feels loved when you cuddke with her. I l can’t believe how true that is.
    Having said that we have been through our toughest years this last two years and I’d forgotten it. I felt like I don’t owe him that

    Thanks for the reminder. “choose your love, love your choice” πŸ™‚

  52. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We are finally moving in with each other tomorrow. We both work a lot and are exhausted when we get home. We have before stayed with each other for 3 weeks and maybe one time we slept together. Last week we went on vacation and I told him that we need to keep our sex lives going strong or else I fear the magic we have will die. He agreed. We had sex 6 out of the 7 days we were away and I can tell you that we have never felt closer. Even with the stress of moving that we have. He?s my best friend. I?m going to try this challenge when we need it. I know it works! Thanks for being a couple to admire.

  53. Wow. Just wow. This is eye opening. I’ve lost 100lbs and my libido has tanked. We found I have a chronic condition that affects ot along with being fatigued constantly. I have a wonderful but demanding career that has be traveling several times a year on top of that. I’ve worked hard for it. My marriage has suffered from these greatly. My husband says he feels unwanted. And to him sex = love. We have been struggling for over a year now. My personal victories has turned my marriage into a bad place instead of a sanctuary. I think I’ll try this, whether I feel like having sex or not. Doing what we’ve been doing isn’t working. It’s time to step out of the comfort zone and push to make it better. Thank you for sharing and inspiring. Love both you and Chris!

  54. I?ve been married fifteen years and the last two have been without physical intimacy. I tell him it?s because I had bilateral Adhesive Capsulitis for three years and a hysterectomy prior to that, but truly, I?m just not interested. We sleep in separately because he has a sleep disorder that causes him to act out in his sleep (which means I don?t get much rest if we sleep together), and if we are intimate, I feel like I am there just to satisfy him. No cuddling, no caressing, etc. We live like roommates and it?s slowly killing my spirit.
    I?m too young (early 50?s) to feel so dead inside. I honestly don?t think that having sex in a twin size bed for 30 days is going to save my marriage!

    1. Your Friend – I really hope you try (because you won?t know unless you try, right?). Sometimes it takes something out of our comfort zone to bring people together and remember why you fell in love in the first place πŸ™‚

    2. Hey dear.
      I wish Heidi can answer you.. meanwhile your comment touched me deeply.
      As i understood from heidi’s article… This challenge is more than THAT it’s about the intimacy, the commitment and the “We time”… So why you don’t give it a try.
      I’m only 29… And believe me I had moments like that… And it has nothing doing about my hubby… It’s just that i felt always tired… And this moment felt like another chore for me.. (that certainly wasn?t)…
      We, women, think a lot… About everything.. And this doesnt help.
      My husband told me many times to just stop thinking… Live the moment… I tried… But that not easy stuff..
      Maybe you should give this challenge a try whithout thinking… And besides it… (which is more important in my eyes… And heidi told about laughing and everything… I guess because they were having some talks…) for me communication is everything…

      Good luck

    3. I?m willing to give the challenge a shot, but feeling loved and cherished when you?re left alone within ten minutes of having sex isn?t satisfying to me. It makes me feel used and cheap. I realize that?s my problem and I need to deal with it; perhaps I can make that part of the challenge. ?
      FWIW, my hubby is a man of few words and isn?t one to say what?s on his mind freely. I have to drag things about work, for instance, out of him.

    4. Read him Heidi?s story and then read him yours. Let him read all of the comments. He probably thinks that you two are the only ones going through this! He?ll know and you are not alone!

  55. I?m pregnant with our second child, and my husband and I are constantly fighting. His biggest issue? He?s upset that when we first started dating we had sex almost every day (multiple times a day,) now we are lucky to have sex twice a month. When I found out baby number two is on the way, I?ve lost all desire to be intimate. I?d love to do this challenge but …, (always seems to be my answer) my issues with him are deeper.. financial and basic trust. I recommended that we go to a counselor…
    Thanks for sharing your story, because I did think you had the perfect relationship. This gives me hope!

    1. Jane, I understand completely. I have the same issues with my husband, basic trusts and finance. We have sex maybe once a month and I literally have no desire to be intimate. I don?t need to cuddle and like space truthfully. When we are intimate though we are a lot closer and seem to argue less. We have the relationship where, outside looking in, we should have no issues but we have talked divorce and agree we are not happy with how things have been. I would love to try this challenge but I can see myself getting tired and just not in the mood. Maybe I am the problem then? But it is worth the try for my relationship, so…

  56. My husband and I are three months in to our marriage with a 9 month old child. (We have been together for 5 years total however.) Things have been very rough between us and I think this could be an absolute game changer. I shall update my comment after we?ve tried out this idea. Probably need to bring up the idea to my husband first of course. Lol.

  57. Thank you for sharing ?
    Every year my husband travels for 1 month ( a work obligation). Over the years you would think it would get easier… but it doesn?t.
    I find I become angry and resentful…. vs understanding ( He doesn?t want to leave us at all !)
    So, with building stress, lots of emotions and trips to the marriage counselor ( something that should be REQUIRED once you get married – it?s so amazing !)
    We get back on track about 3-4 weeks after he comes home.
    Now, your challenge just might be what we need when he gets back !
    After 20 years…. some things DO become easier while others… more difficult.
    Challenge accepted!?

  58. I love your honesty. It’s part of the reason why I feel like I can relate to everything you say. People tend to portray their lifes as perfect on social media, because god forbid, we could ever have a bad day.

    I truly believe that sex is an essential part of a loving relationship: because otherwise, you eventually turn into roommates who like living together. However, nobody talks about it, just like you said. But I am so glad you did!

  59. This is crazy, yesterday my husband and I were sitting in our car talking about divorce i even called to make an appointment with a lawyer. We do love each other but theres been broken trust not of the cheating kind but nevertheless ,trust has been broken . I opened up my Instagram and I saw this beautiful picture of you guys and im willing to give this a try . Hopefully it works

  60. I completely agree with this. We?ve been married for 13 years and I do believe being open about sex and taking that time regularly to focus simply on one another is vital. People don?t like to discuss the subject but without sex you bevome great friends and roomates rather than intimate lovers. Love the article xxx

  61. You guys are an inspiration. Heidi I respect and amire you so much for winning in many fights I have been having for many years. My anorexia and PTSD have ruined, and continue to ruin my life and my marriage. My husband has watched me almost die in hospital and live without me for nearly a year while I regained the weight. I often read your articles and think it is possible! I too run my own business and know the stress but also freedom that brings. Although it will be difficult I am going to try your challenge I hope it works we have been through so much and I am at the top of my weight tolerance I don’t think we could survive that cycle again (I just need to hit the gym) I miss my best friend
    Thank you for putting yourself out there

    1. The thought of this terrifies me. For the past 17 years together with my husband, I have slowly shut down and closed myself off emotionally and physically. I have told myself that I am protecting myself and my heart because I have been, and continue to be, hurt so deeply by him. We have sex, but for me it’s strictly done out of necessity, not love and connectivity (he knows this) I have told him over and over that when he is being critical and mean, SEX or any intimacy is the LAST thing I want. BUT for him, sex and deeper intimacy with me is what he needs and desires and he gets more and more critical and mean when he feels “shut out” and neglected…..It’s a vicious circle and dance we go round and round…over and over……for years and years! It actually happened again last night…(even on Valentines day) I’m writing this because I need some accountability! I have begged God to help me love my husband the way he needs to be loved and to be the wife and mother that He created me to be! I KNOW for a fact that the Lord had me restless tonight for a reason….I stumbled on this in the middle of the night for a reason! Thank you! Thank you for posting something so dear to your heart in order to encourage others! God bless your family and your marriage ?

    2. Brenda, I am so sorry that your husband has been critical and mean. I don’t think men fully realize the impact that their careless words can have on our hearts. I completely agree with you that sex or any intimacy is the LAST thing on my mind when he’s been awful. I really hope things improve for you.

  62. You guys are an inspiration and I love how honest you are. I?m not married or even in a relationship but gives me hope that there are people out there that are happy.

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