My super special guest blogger today probably needs no introduction as she has become one of the most popular and loved Extreme Weight Loss Season 3 transformations so far this year! And lately, she has also been seen gracing our Facebook , Twitter?and Instagram accounts with her recent visit to see us! As a dear, sweet friend, I love her authenticity, honesty, helpfulness to others and her willingness to be real. You know you matter when she is near you. In fact, she calls her followers “Matterers.” I love it! And as you come to know her, you’ll love her just as much as I do:-). ?So, after she takes us on a journey of understanding “People Pleasers,” I know you’ll want to become a Matterer yourself! I’ve included all the ways to connect with her below…
by Jami Witherell
Super stoked to be visiting Heidipowell.net (Especially after just recently visiting Heidi and Chris in real life!)?Blogging over at We Matter, ?I try to create a forum of honesty, growth, reality, change, and a little humor.
And that includes talking about some of the uncomfortable stuff:
I talk about how sometimes my thinks get so stuck.
And I work tirelessly to not let them get in the way of living.
And just enjoy the ride.
But one of my favorite topics is: My Issues with People Pleasing.
I used to ? and on (many) occasions ? still do ? get my ?high? or my ?happiness? from pleasing others ? before taking care of myself.
It?s not really rational ? but it?s how I learned to cope with the world around me.
Having a bad day?
Well, let me get an A in the class and you won?t be sad.
Mad at a friend?
Well, let me bake you a cake, come over for a few hours, build you up, and then you won?t be mad.
And if I don?t get an A, or can?t make it over with a cake, you?ll hear me apologize 1,000 times. Because I?ve let you down or upset you in some way.
But my people pleasing is even preemptive.
I work relentlessly to be one step ahead of your emotions.
I weigh my options carefully.
If I do this, they might think I don?t care, but I DO, so I should do that instead, and then they?ll have to know I care.
Or that I?m perfect.
Which is really where this all stems from.
If I?m just perfect enough.
If I do everything you need me to.
You?ll be happy.
Not matter what the cost to me.
And for that matter, if you?ll be happy ? I?ll be happy.
The problem is:
I?m not in control of anyone else?s emotions ? but mine.
And if you ask me to meet you for dinner and I?m booked 17 ways until Sunday, but I could make it for 10 minutes, if I leave another engagement early, I?ll do it. Because that will make you happy, right? And it will make me happy (and more importantly ? I don?t have to feel guilty or bad or wonder if I hurt your feelings if I say no.)
But the challenge I?ve had to accept is:
I could do all of that and you might be happy?
And you might think I?m perfect or not.
And I?m not in control of how you receive that ?people pleasing?.
Relinquishing the ability to control others emotions, my ability to people please, was the single greatest challenge this year.
But at the root ? it?s what had been keeping me alive all these years.
Living for others.
Living to please others.
And I worried all year that if I STOPPED, cold turkey, pleasing others, I?d have no reason to live (well there?s a crazy think!)
But not ANYMORE.
I am certainly still a work in progress.
Can I get an AMEN!?
I try to go inside myself ? first.
And not let my knee jerk reaction kick in ? and do the first thing I think will make you happy.
I try to converse with my inner self.
And sometimes I?m more successful than others.
Some people I?m more successful with than others.
But when I get it ?right?, when I tell myself, ?You?re not in control of what they think when you say no, or maybe not today, or not right now. You?re not.?
In those small conversations inside myself, I glimpse the beginning of what MY light can do.
It can be strong.
And it can be so full, my light, that I can give to others, without the worry about how it will make them feel, or view me.
This is specifically challenging for me as I return to the service field as an elementary school teacher. There are a lot of people to please there ? from students and colleagues to staff and administration ? but I will do my best to put my OWN best interest at heart ? first.
One other morsel, is something I read in a A Course of Miracles:
?Giving of yourself to the point of sacrifice makes the other person a thief!?
And I don?t want anyone in my life to FEEL like they?re taking something from me.
When I?ve been giving it freely all along.
And hoping it makes them happy.
Take care of yourself first.
MAKE YOU HAPPY.
That?s SELF FULL not selfish.
I always ask my Matterers ? what about YOU?
Are you people pleasers, too?
You can comment here and come join the conversation over at We Matter.
(Because YOU do!)
Want to connect with Jami and join her Matterers? Find and follow her here: