People Pleasers

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My super special guest blogger today probably needs no introduction as she has become one of the most popular and loved Extreme Weight Loss Season 3 transformations so far this year! And lately, she has also been seen gracing our Facebook , Twitter?and Instagram accounts with her recent visit to see us! As a dear, sweet friend, I love her authenticity, honesty, helpfulness to others and her willingness to be real. You know you matter when she is near you. In fact, she calls her followers “Matterers.” I love it! And as you come to know her, you’ll love her just as much as I do:-). ?So, after she takes us on a journey of understanding “People Pleasers,” I know you’ll want to become a Matterer yourself! I’ve included all the ways to connect with her below…

Celebrity Trainer Heidi Powell and Jami Witherell from Extreme Wight Loss - Learn more at

People Pleasers
by Jami Witherell

Super stoked to be visiting (Especially after just recently visiting Heidi and Chris in real life!)?Blogging over at We Matter, ?I try to create a forum of honesty, growth, reality, change, and a little humor.

And that includes talking about some of the uncomfortable stuff:
I talk about how sometimes my thinks get so stuck.
And I work tirelessly to not let them get in the way of living.
And just enjoy the ride.

Celebrity Trainers Chris and Heidi Powell and Jami Witherell from Extreme Wight Loss - Learn more at

But one of my favorite topics is: My Issues with People Pleasing.

I used to ? and on (many) occasions ? still do ? get my ?high? or my ?happiness? from pleasing others ? before taking care of myself.

It?s not really rational ? but it?s how I learned to cope with the world around me.
Having a bad day?
Well, let me get an A in the class and you won?t be sad.
Mad at a friend?
Well, let me bake you a cake, come over for a few hours, build you up, and then you won?t be mad.
And if I don?t get an A, or can?t make it over with a cake, you?ll hear me apologize 1,000 times. Because I?ve let you down or upset you in some way.

But my people pleasing is even preemptive.
I work relentlessly to be one step ahead of your emotions.

I weigh my options carefully.
If I do this, they might think I don?t care, but I DO, so I should do that instead, and then they?ll have to know I care.

Or that I?m perfect.
Which is really where this all stems from.

Jami Witherell from Extreme Wight Loss - Learn more at

If I?m just perfect enough.
If I do everything you need me to.
You?ll be happy.
Not matter what the cost to me.

And for that matter, if you?ll be happy ? I?ll be happy.
The problem is:
I?m not in control of anyone else?s emotions ? but mine.
And if you ask me to meet you for dinner and I?m booked 17 ways until Sunday, but I could make it for 10 minutes, if I leave another engagement early, I?ll do it. Because that will make you happy, right? And it will make me happy (and more importantly ? I don?t have to feel guilty or bad or wonder if I hurt your feelings if I say no.)

But the challenge I?ve had to accept is:
I could do all of that and you might be happy?

Or sad.
Or disappointed.

And you might think I?m perfect or not.
And I?m not in control of how you receive that ?people pleasing?.

Relinquishing the ability to control others emotions, my ability to people please, was the single greatest challenge this year.

But at the root ? it?s what had been keeping me alive all these years.
Living for others.
Living to please others.
And I worried all year that if I STOPPED, cold turkey, pleasing others, I?d have no reason to live (well there?s a crazy think!)

Jami Witherell from Extreme Wight Loss - Learn more at

But not ANYMORE.
I am certainly still a work in progress.
Can I get an AMEN!?

I try to go inside myself ? first.
And not let my knee jerk reaction kick in ? and do the first thing I think will make you happy.

I try to converse with my inner self.
And sometimes I?m more successful than others.
Some people I?m more successful with than others.
But when I get it ?right?, when I tell myself, ?You?re not in control of what they think when you say no, or maybe not today, or not right now. You?re not.?

In those small conversations inside myself, I glimpse the beginning of what MY light can do.
It can be strong.
And independent.
And powerful.
And it can be so full, my light, that I can give to others, without the worry about how it will make them feel, or view me.

Jami Witherell from Extreme Wight Loss - Learn more at

This is specifically challenging for me as I return to the service field as an elementary school teacher. There are a lot of people to please there ? from students and colleagues to staff and administration ? but I will do my best to put my OWN best interest at heart ? first.

One other morsel, is something I read in a A Course of Miracles:

?Giving of yourself to the point of sacrifice makes the other person a thief!?

And I don?t want anyone in my life to FEEL like they?re taking something from me.
When I?ve been giving it freely all along.
And hoping it makes them happy.

Take care of yourself first.
That?s SELF FULL not selfish.

I always ask my Matterers ? what about YOU?
Are you people pleasers, too?
You can comment here and come join the conversation over at We Matter.
(Because YOU do!)

Celebrity Trainer Heidi Powell and Jami Witherell from Extreme Wight Loss - Learn more at to connect with Jami and join her Matterers? Find and follow her here:
website: ?

26 Responses

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart! Excellent article! Emotions can run so strong; compelling us to either build ourselves up, or tear us down. That whole inner monologue thing does wonders; stopping yourself to process your emotions, responding rather than reacting. So inspiring to see that you are aware of this and making the changes necessary to have a full life. Thanks for sharing!

  2. I so needed to see this today. I was contemplating not making a move that would be beneficilial and much needed for my husband, kids and me because I didn’t want to have my family be mad at me. Further proof I need to stop trying to think of everyone first. I am also a people pleasing work in progress.

  3. This is exactly the issue I’m working on now.
    I try to learn to take care of myself first, without feeling selfish.
    Not always easy but I keep this quote from my favourite author Paulo Coelho in mind:
    When you say ?yes? to others, make sure you are not saying ?no? to yourself.
    It helps me a lot.

  4. This was such an eye-opener. This was definitely “meat and potatoes” and not “dessert and fluff”. This has given me lots to think about. Thanks for posting. 🙂

  5. I am 48 years old and have been a People Pleaser all my life. I am one of those that figure if I just make everyone else happy or be there for everyone else, they will do the same for me. Only it never works out that way. They go on with their lives being happy and I am left alone to wonder what I did wrong. Asking, why am I still alone and even more miserable than when it started. Always putting everyone else first has been my whole life. Hoping one day I will learn to love me and put myself first. Keep up the great job Jami.

  6. Hi Jami! This was so enlightening to read. I am the ultimate people pleaser and find myself sacrificing so much for others that I have nothing left for myself. I’m exhausted and unhappy most of the time, but I put a smile on my face so that others won’t see my true emotions. I even feel guilty for leaving my family for an hour to go to the gym…so I don’t. It’s awful living a life like this. I need to focus on the fact that I need to take care of me so I can take care of my family.

  7. My hubby has been helping me with this recently. I used to get annoyed that he didn’t “understand” – but he does and he has been trying to save me from myself. I was always volunteering to bake or cook something, get gifts for showers at work, basically a million last minute favors, etc. I still do that stuff occasionally, but ONLY if I have the time and am not busy with other things. It really helps to step back and weigh the pros/cons of going out of your way. My normal rule is family comes first.

  8. Thank you so much for sharing this. I too feel like I am a “people pleaser” but It’s really nice to know that you’re not alone, and I really appreciate this post of yours. Thanks Jami! 🙂

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