Seeing others struggle, no matter what they’re struggling with, is tough. Super tough. Especially when the person who is struggling is a friend or family member. We love those closest to us, and we want them to be happy and successful in all areas of their lives.
I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with weight loss in my years and years of experience in the transformation world. I’ve seen them lose weight, gain it back, lose it again, and gain even more back. I’ve done all I physically and mentally could do to help and support them. Believe me, if there was a magic button I could’ve pushed and all that extra weight and the baggage that comes with it would disappear (because extra weight is heavy in more than just pounds!), it would’ve been so tempting to push that button.
But…and this is a HUGE BUT…the worst thing I could do for someone I love is push that button and make the changes for them. Why? Because there is no magic button, and I’d be doing them a huge disservice if I took the opportunity and growth and experience away from them that they’d gain going through the journey of transformation. And to be honest, that magic button change would be short-term. We respect and honor and protect the things we work hard for. Including, and especially, weight loss.
Here’s the deal: Change, no matter the type of change, has to come from a desire within the person who wants or needs to make that change. You cannot make someone else change. You cannot do the work to change for them. And that realization can be tough, especially when you see others struggling, even to the point of putting their health and their lives at risk.
The change—any change—has to come from them. They’re the only ones who can decide to change and then take the steps to change. But…you can support them through the changes they’re making. And that’s an important part to play in their transformation! According to the Mayo Clinic, the support of friends and family members can be a key to long-term weight loss success.
Accountability is key to transformation and achieving any goal. Learn more here.
What does the process of change look like?
So, to better equip you to help those you love achieve their transformation goals, let’s break down what the process of change looks like, otherwise known as The Transtheoretical Model, or more commonly known as The Stages of Change:
- Stage 1. Precontemplation: Don’t think a change is needed.
- Stage 2. Contemplation: Starting to consider change, but not quite ready to commit to change.
- Stage 3. Preparation: Preparing to change, maybe even making steps towards change (researching workout and/or nutrition plans, starting to work out, starting to eat more healthily, etc.). This step can often be triggered by a scary health experience or diagnosis.
- Stage 4. Action: Regularly engaging in activities to promote change (workout out and/or nutrition plan adherence) for 3-6 months. Putting plans in place to combat any roadblocks that might come up.
- Stage 5. Maintenance: Regularly engaging in the activities to promote change (workout out and/or nutrition plan adherence) for more than six months. Able to successfully navigate any roadblocks and potential relapses.
Why do I share The Stages of Change? It’s important for both you and the person who wants to change to understand which stage they’re in right now because someone who doesn’t think they need to change and someone who is preparing to change are in two totally different spaces and mindsets.
Think of a goal you want to accomplish: What stage of change are you in right now?
Top tips to help someone you love lose weight for good
While you can’t make a change for someone else, you can be helpful on their journey, so here are six tips you can put into place today to help someone you love lose that weight for good.
Tip #1. Remember: This is their goal, not your goal. The way you go about achieving a goal, especially a transformation-related goal, might be different from what will work for them or from the steps they want to take to achieve their goal. Offer suggestions when asked, but realize that your suggestions might be implemented or ignored. And both are okay!
Tip #2. Cheer, don’t coach. This tip goes along with tip #1. Embarking on a transformation journey can be overwhelming and frustrating with so many things to learn and do. So, the last thing your loved one needs is another person, especially someone close to them, continually suggesting things for them to do and try. Your role is to cheer them on, notice and congratulate them on every single small win, and keep telling them they CAN do this!
Tip #3. Meet them where they’re at right now. You can’t force someone out of the stage of change they’re in. It just won’t work. So, understand where they are, support them as much as you can, and they’ll progress on their transformation path in the way that’s best for them.
Tip #4. Encourage baby steps. It’s going to be so tempting to them to want to hit all their workouts and nutrition plan perfectly, but this is a recipe for disaster. Instead, encourage them to take on just one new thing at a time so they can develop healthy habits and experience long-term results—results that will stick. Research backs this up:
- Take on 1 new thing at a time = 80% chance for success.
- Take on 2 new things at a time = 35% chance for success.
- Take on 3+ new things at a time = 3% chance for success.
Tip #5. Help them build integrity. Integrity, especially personal integrity, is THE key to achieving any goal, but especially where weight loss is concerned. When you do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, no matter what, the results WILL come. And that’s a promise! In fact, this is the first step I take with every single client I work with. How do you help someone build integrity? Through a little thing I call a Power Promise. A Power Promise is a promise you make to yourself, and this promise is so simple that you can do it every time, no matter what. When it comes to helping your loved one make their first Power Promise, this promise doesn’t even have to be transformation-related. The important thing is to slowly help them build their self-confidence and personal integrity and get them winning right from the beginning.
Learn more about Power Promises + Integrity here.
Tip #6. Ask them how you can best support them, then do that. Whether it’s through frequent check-ins, less frequent check-ins, whatever type of check-in works best for them (phone, text, etc.)…, it’s all about doing whatever they feel will work best for them. Their perspective of support might be different than yours or someone else’s. Remember: Weight loss—or any type of goal—has a learning curve, and your friend or family member is on that learning curve. Allow them the space to learn and grow.
Transformation is hard. Watching someone you love struggle to transform their lives, especially when it comes to losing weight, is hard. It’s our natural inclination to want to jump in and try and do the work for them. Don’t do that. Instead, use the tips I’ve shared, and not only will you be able to support them along their transformation journey, but I bet that relationship will grow even stronger!
xo,
Related reading:
Build a life you love: Set Goals + Achieve Them
How to Build Momentum, Accomplish Your Goals, + Create a Life You LOVE!
How to Beat the Odds and Actually Finish Your Goals | Jon Acuff
Consistency Is Key: How to Make Your Fitness Goals a Reality
How SMART Are Your Goals?
190 Responses
Dear Heidi, I recently came across your television show Extreme Weight Loss on youtube. I enjoy watching the show and seeing the joy you give to the participants in their transformation, as well as the nutritional and exercise facts you share with the watching community. I am concerned about a family member who is on diet, and was hoping to get some expert advice. Another family member came across the 5-2 diet and recommended it to a family member who is now on this diet. I am concerned that fasting two days is not good for the body and then eating normally for five days. This family member is in the late 50s and slightly overweight (BMI<30). I would think eating normally 1600-1800 kcal with modest exercise would be a better option. I am afraid that this diet will further fatigue the body and mind instead of increasing physical activity and energy levels. Do you have any recommendations?
Thank you for your time. It is much appreciated.
Best regards,
Marie
Hey chris an Heidi my name is monika rooks i live in memphis tennessee i weight 309 i want to lose weight so bad please can u in chris help me
Hi MoniKA: You can learn all about Chris and Heidi’s carb cycling program – the same program they us on the show – in this post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. And be sure and follow all the links within the post too. You can totally do this! 🙂
Hi Chris and Heidi
My name is Jemma and I am one part of a same sex couple. Stephanie and I have been in a relationship for 9 years and married for 6. We are both very much in love as we were when we first met. However for the past 7 years we have dreamed of having our own family. We do not have the means to pay for fertility treatment. I donated eggs to 4 times. And 4 years ago our clinic allowed us 1 free treatment providing I egg shared. We were so over the moon. Unfortunately it would seem that when donating eggs my tubes may have been a little damaged and the treatment ended in a tubal miscarriage. After a grieving period we decided that Stephanie would be the one to carry. Our doctor has advised we are eligible for one free cycle of IVF but our BMI need to hit 30. Unfortunately during the past 5 years we have had would you would call a run of bad luck suffering many family losses and illnesses from both sides of our family including my mother. Stephanie current weight is 260lb. We have tried many diets going to the gym and country pursuits all of which seem for one reason or another come to a standstill. We are both at rock bottom in terms mood. Even though we know what we could achieve if we could just loose 6-7 stone ( 1 free try of IVF ) unfortunately our motivation just seems to slip. We watch your show all the time and dream we could find that motivation for ourselves. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Kind regards
Jemma and Stephanie
Hi Jemma and Stephanie: Thank you for sharing your story with us! You can learn all about Chris and Heidi’s carb cycling program – the same program they use on the show – in this post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. And be sure and follow all the links within the post too, especially the one about promises. These are truly their #1 transformation tool, so begin your journeys today by making and keeping that first small, simple promise today! You both can totally do this! 🙂
Hey Chris and Heidi my name is Gloria i leave in jax, fl and im worry about my daugther she is 26 yrs old, weight 350 pound and she is only 5′ feet tall …i wish ya’ll can tell me how i can help her to lose weight, we try almost everythin and nuthing look like is working
Hi Gloria: It’s so difficult when a family member is struggling with their health. There are some great steps your daughter can take to begin her transformation journey today, and I’d have her start with making and keeping that first small, simple promise to herself. I know it sounds way too simple, but it is definitely Chris and Heidi’s #1 transformation tool! A transformation is achieved one promise at a time – it works!
I am a single mom of 4. My 22 year old daughter is over 400 pounds and she has been suffering from extreme obesity for the past 8 years. She is a sweet, beautiful, and intelligent young lady and I have tried everything to help her lose weight with what I have and can afford. I just watched your show for the first time with Bruce and I am so touched and for the first time I believe that someone can help my daughter at a second chance at a healthy and happy life. She does so much for so many people and she deserves to be free! Can you PLEASE consider taking my daughter on your show……Sincerely, Doris Munoz
Hi Doris: Casting for “Extreme Weight Loss” is currently closed, but you can find some great tools to help your daughter begin her transformation journey in this post. And be sure and follow all the links within the post too. Help her make and keep that first promise to herself, choose a cycle, and go! And Chris and Heidi’s exercise program requires no equipment or gym membership, which is awesome! She can totally do this!
Hello Chris and Heidi,
I am writing for myself, but my mother as well. I have been big pretty much my whole life. My mother hasn’t. She has pretty much given up. We can’t afford a gym or the better of foods. It has always amazed me at the price of food. We don’t know how to encourage each other. We both give up. We want it more than anything, but we don’t know how to support each other. She doesn’t want to walk: 1. Because she bad ankles. 2. I don’t know how to motivate her to do any exercise because I don’t know how to motivate myself.
I want to get to a healthy point for both of us, because I want to show my kids that I can do it but they can too. This is also a big part of my reason is my grandmother is a huge part of my life, she has always wanted to see me at a healthy weight but after several attempts, I fall. Please if you have any suggestions or thoughts on how we can get fit and healthy without breaking us.
We have sat and binged watched Extreme Weight Loss and I see the want written all over her, but I have an almost heart wrenching desire to see both of us on the tv. I realize we aren’t that lucky, but I would love some advice for us both. With the most love I can muster up and express, thank you for reading this. You both are an inspiration to so many, and definitely us.
Hi Jennifer: Thank you for your comment and for sharing your story with us. Here’s a post that outlines Chris and Heidi’s carb cycling program – the same program they use on the show – and it talks about everything you need to know and do to help you both achieve your goals! https://heidipowell.net/9060. Be sure and follow all the links within the post, and it’s always best to discuss any nutrition and exercise program with your healthcare teams first and then follow any modifications they might recommend. Remember to take those baby steps one after the other, and you can do this! 🙂
Hello dear Chris and heidi. Excuse me for my ba d english but i write to you both from France. I m 33 years Old and three months ago, i weighted 105 kilos. Not much in comparaison to those you take care of usually. But three months ago, while seeing your show on french tv i decided to change and lost 25 kilos in three months. My Daugher is five years Old and is overweighted but since then you changed my life it opened my eyes and i helped her loosing the few kilos she needed to loose. You helped us me and my daughter, motivated us without knowing it and i just wanted to thank you. Still have ten kilos to loose but i ‘ ll make it and i thank you again and again. I decided to do everything i always wanted to but stopped me from doing. It’s a question of will and you helped me beyond a point you couldn’t imagine. Thanks again. Love. OQ
HI Chris and Heidi,
My brother recently had his 18th birthday and u fortunately he is 400+ probably 500+ pounds. My family and I do not know what to do for him anymore. We are desperately asking for help or seeking any help we can getalk for him. He has his full life ahead of him and the way he us going, he won’t have a long fulfilling life. My mom’s biggest fear is him getting diabetes at such a young age. We don’t know what to do anymore. Please help
Thank you
Hi Ana: Thank you for sharing a bit of your brother’s story with us. You can get some tips to help him begin his journey right in this post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. Help him make and keep that first promise to himself, then he can choose a cycle and go! He can do this – it’s all about taking those baby steps and making and keeping those promises right after the other.
J
Hi Chris Powell, I have been watching ur show now for a cpl of mos n it really excited me on how how well u work clients n ppl of diff ethnicities all around the world. my biggest question is my husband is overcoming leg surgery from having cellulitis in his left leg n went into his right leg. My question is, he became diabetic back in 2009 it’s type 2 the doct gave him a steroid yrs ago supposedly to help with his being diabetic n it bloomed him up to like 400lbs. He’s down a lil but he’s back in hosp wirh cellulitis in his other leg, I wanted to know cause he’s 60 now with type 2 diabetic cause it’s something in his fam unfort. I bleve he weighs in @ 350 or something like that, I just want to know if u would b able to help him with getting his weight back down to 180lbs, that was weight he was @ when we met back 2000 n got married. He has high blood pressure n etc, he’s changed his diet or tried to. I’m Asian 100% I have always eaten healthy salads, hardly any junk food, we both love being outdoors, hiking, climbing, running but cause of what this doct did to him, n now he’s fighting this cellulitis infection in the other leg. Is there is anything u can do for him??? I’m out of options n out of ideas. Please lmk thru email [email protected] his weight really concerns me n our 6yr old daughter
Hi Lin: I’d discuss Chris and Heidi’s carb cycling program (http://heidipwell.net/9060) with his healthcare team and then follow any modifications they might recommend. They are the best ones to help him since they understand the exact nature of his issues and can work with him personally now and in the future. We wish you all the best – he can do this!
Hi Chris, one thing for sure I love your show. It just took me a while to figure out how to contact you. My name is Vanessa L. Delgado, I’m asking you to please, please, PLEASE help my mother. She is 300+ lbs and she keeps saying that she is going to loose weight by eating better and hitting the gym. I have been trying to help her and with her working graveyard almost everynight, getting fast foods on some days, it’s not helping her. She clams that she eats when she’s upset, angry, hungry, etc. She already went to so many doctors to see if they can do a certain surgery on her but every doctor has turned her down. She don’t know that I’m doing this but I figured that hopefully you can help her. I’m willing to do anything that I could have a chance to help her in anyway as possible. Including my boyfriend, a future U.S. Army, had a plan of what to do at the gym with her, but she never took a chance by going back to the gym. And all of my mom’s side of the family is over weight and has past away a bit to early. So, please try to help out, give her a chance. Hopefully she’ll listen to you because she stopped listening to me long time ago.
Hi Vanessa: Thank you for sharing your mom’s story with us. I’d show your mom the tools in this post and help her make and keep that first promise to herself. Then when she’s ready, have her check out Chris and Heidi’s carb cycling program. She can do this!