Seeing others struggle, no matter what they’re struggling with, is tough. Super tough. Especially when the person who is struggling is a friend or family member. We love those closest to us, and we want them to be happy and successful in all areas of their lives.
I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with weight loss in my years and years of experience in the transformation world. I’ve seen them lose weight, gain it back, lose it again, and gain even more back. I’ve done all I physically and mentally could do to help and support them. Believe me, if there was a magic button I could’ve pushed and all that extra weight and the baggage that comes with it would disappear (because extra weight is heavy in more than just pounds!), it would’ve been so tempting to push that button.
But…and this is a HUGE BUT…the worst thing I could do for someone I love is push that button and make the changes for them. Why? Because there is no magic button, and I’d be doing them a huge disservice if I took the opportunity and growth and experience away from them that they’d gain going through the journey of transformation. And to be honest, that magic button change would be short-term. We respect and honor and protect the things we work hard for. Including, and especially, weight loss.
Here’s the deal: Change, no matter the type of change, has to come from a desire within the person who wants or needs to make that change. You cannot make someone else change. You cannot do the work to change for them. And that realization can be tough, especially when you see others struggling, even to the point of putting their health and their lives at risk.
The change—any change—has to come from them. They’re the only ones who can decide to change and then take the steps to change. But…you can support them through the changes they’re making. And that’s an important part to play in their transformation! According to the Mayo Clinic, the support of friends and family members can be a key to long-term weight loss success.
Accountability is key to transformation and achieving any goal. Learn more here.
What does the process of change look like?
So, to better equip you to help those you love achieve their transformation goals, let’s break down what the process of change looks like, otherwise known as The Transtheoretical Model, or more commonly known as The Stages of Change:
- Stage 1. Precontemplation: Don’t think a change is needed.
- Stage 2. Contemplation: Starting to consider change, but not quite ready to commit to change.
- Stage 3. Preparation: Preparing to change, maybe even making steps towards change (researching workout and/or nutrition plans, starting to work out, starting to eat more healthily, etc.). This step can often be triggered by a scary health experience or diagnosis.
- Stage 4. Action: Regularly engaging in activities to promote change (workout out and/or nutrition plan adherence) for 3-6 months. Putting plans in place to combat any roadblocks that might come up.
- Stage 5. Maintenance: Regularly engaging in the activities to promote change (workout out and/or nutrition plan adherence) for more than six months. Able to successfully navigate any roadblocks and potential relapses.
Why do I share The Stages of Change? It’s important for both you and the person who wants to change to understand which stage they’re in right now because someone who doesn’t think they need to change and someone who is preparing to change are in two totally different spaces and mindsets.
Think of a goal you want to accomplish: What stage of change are you in right now?
Top tips to help someone you love lose weight for good
While you can’t make a change for someone else, you can be helpful on their journey, so here are six tips you can put into place today to help someone you love lose that weight for good.
Tip #1. Remember: This is their goal, not your goal. The way you go about achieving a goal, especially a transformation-related goal, might be different from what will work for them or from the steps they want to take to achieve their goal. Offer suggestions when asked, but realize that your suggestions might be implemented or ignored. And both are okay!
Tip #2. Cheer, don’t coach. This tip goes along with tip #1. Embarking on a transformation journey can be overwhelming and frustrating with so many things to learn and do. So, the last thing your loved one needs is another person, especially someone close to them, continually suggesting things for them to do and try. Your role is to cheer them on, notice and congratulate them on every single small win, and keep telling them they CAN do this!
Tip #3. Meet them where they’re at right now. You can’t force someone out of the stage of change they’re in. It just won’t work. So, understand where they are, support them as much as you can, and they’ll progress on their transformation path in the way that’s best for them.
Tip #4. Encourage baby steps. It’s going to be so tempting to them to want to hit all their workouts and nutrition plan perfectly, but this is a recipe for disaster. Instead, encourage them to take on just one new thing at a time so they can develop healthy habits and experience long-term results—results that will stick. Research backs this up:
- Take on 1 new thing at a time = 80% chance for success.
- Take on 2 new things at a time = 35% chance for success.
- Take on 3+ new things at a time = 3% chance for success.
Tip #5. Help them build integrity. Integrity, especially personal integrity, is THE key to achieving any goal, but especially where weight loss is concerned. When you do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, no matter what, the results WILL come. And that’s a promise! In fact, this is the first step I take with every single client I work with. How do you help someone build integrity? Through a little thing I call a Power Promise. A Power Promise is a promise you make to yourself, and this promise is so simple that you can do it every time, no matter what. When it comes to helping your loved one make their first Power Promise, this promise doesn’t even have to be transformation-related. The important thing is to slowly help them build their self-confidence and personal integrity and get them winning right from the beginning.
Learn more about Power Promises + Integrity here.
Tip #6. Ask them how you can best support them, then do that. Whether it’s through frequent check-ins, less frequent check-ins, whatever type of check-in works best for them (phone, text, etc.)…, it’s all about doing whatever they feel will work best for them. Their perspective of support might be different than yours or someone else’s. Remember: Weight loss—or any type of goal—has a learning curve, and your friend or family member is on that learning curve. Allow them the space to learn and grow.
Transformation is hard. Watching someone you love struggle to transform their lives, especially when it comes to losing weight, is hard. It’s our natural inclination to want to jump in and try and do the work for them. Don’t do that. Instead, use the tips I’ve shared, and not only will you be able to support them along their transformation journey, but I bet that relationship will grow even stronger!
xo,
Related reading:
Build a life you love: Set Goals + Achieve Them
How to Build Momentum, Accomplish Your Goals, + Create a Life You LOVE!
How to Beat the Odds and Actually Finish Your Goals | Jon Acuff
Consistency Is Key: How to Make Your Fitness Goals a Reality
How SMART Are Your Goals?
190 Responses
Hi Heidi,
My name is Damaris and Im from Spain. I watch the show here daily. The reason why im writing you its because I have a Brother there in the States. My parents and I are really concerned for him because for the last 10 years he has been gaining weight nonstop. In our family we have always have a tendency to gain weight but he when he lived here in Spain he would eat alot healthier and exercise more. Ever since he started attending college in TN he has been gaining weight and really having bad eating habits. He has been married for 9 years and ive never seen him so big. He is only 30 years old and have not been able to have children due to his weight problem. Its really hard to be so far from him and not be able to be there to help him out, we have tried to help him through phone calls and sending him diets and visiting him when we can. I write you because I dont know what else to do I dont want to loose my brother. He has been trying to loose weight but he looses a little bit and then gets dissapointed and gains it all back again. I think hes problem is he does it know how to eat correctly. Please help him…hes had several scares concerning his health and im really scared for him. Thank you
Hi Damaris: Thank you so much for sharing your brother’s story with us, and we know it can be so difficult when a family member is having obesity and health issues. As you can imagine, Chris and Heidi get many, many, many requests for their help, and while they truly wish they could help everyone, there’s just no possible way. I do hope you understand. That’s why they’ve made the tools in this post available for everyone to use to help friends and family who want to begin their transformation journeys. Maybe try talking to him about making and keeping that first small, simple promise to himself? This is a huge first step, so give it a try? We truly wish you all the best.
Heidi,
My name is Josh Pinder, and I am currently a student at Brigham Young University- Idaho. Right now I am working on a research paper, trying to better understand obesity. The purpose of my paper is to better inform the students here at school about the cause of obesity. I thought that the best person to contact would be someone that works with these people every day. If you would take a moment to respond to these questions, and add any further insights, i would really appreciate it.
What causes of obesity?
How much power do overweight individuals have to turn their lives around?
In your opinion, why has the obese population consistently grown over the last few decades?
What are the major differences between training someone with a very high BMI, verses training someone with an average BMI?
Thank you so much for taking time to answer my questions!
Hi Joshua: I’m not Heidi, but I’d love to help you if I can. Obesity is a high percentage of body fat and is caused by continuously consuming more calories than are expended. Most people become obese due to something that’s going on in their lives, and they choose to deal with these issues by eating – food becomes their drug of choice to “deal” with the feelings and things they’re going through. People can lose weight, but for it to be permanent, they need to deal with what’s going on that led them to become obese in the first place. That is the key. Here’s a link to a post that outlines Chris and Heidi’s #1 transformation tool, and it’s the first thing they do with every person they work with: https://heidipowell.net/8679. As far as training those with high BMIs, it’s important to work with their healthcare teams first on any existing health issues and tailor their transformation program based on the modifications recommended by their healthcare team. With a high BMI, you also need to take into account that these people may need stability and mobility training first to focus on any muscle imbalance/posture/balance problems, and bodyweight only exercises are often the place to start. And as mentioned before, getting to the root of why they became obese is key. As for why the obese population has grown, the prevalence of fast food, the lack of exercise/a more sedentary lifestyle (TV, computers, video games, longer work hours, etc.), the lack of knowledge of how to correctly fuel and exercise our bodies, and others. In families, if the parents live sedentary and unhealthy lives, this often trickles down to their children following their example. Getting and staying healthy can be hard work, so many people simply give up and go back to their old habits. I hope this helps, and good luck on your research paper! 🙂
My son is 21 and has autism. He also has 16p 11.2 chromosome deletion that is linked to obesity and his autism. He is about 6’2″ and almost 400 pounds. His name is Tyler and his doctor said a couple of weeks ago that a nutritionist wasn’t the way to go right now because with people like Tyler who have autism, they only like certain foods and cutting food out would be hard. The doctor wanted to send him to a weight management person/clinic to where they could give him medicine to help burn the calories. Tyler hasn’t had sweets in almost 2 1/2 years. He still hasn’t lost any weight but has gone up. We don’t know where to go or what to do at this point. It’s easy to say don’t eat this or drink that and every one is disagreeing with each other. He walks on the sides of his feet and at one time had tight hamstrings. He has high blood pressure and takes medicine for it. He has no friends and does his computer a lot. We need someone to help us because at this point I don’t know where else to turn. Tyler is someone who sets his mind to something ,like with not eating sweets for over 2 years but nobody there to cheer him on outside of us.Please help us, because we feel like he can’t live much longer. I know with Tyler is that he doesn’t see food as comfort, because I can take him to the airport to watch the planes come and go and he won’t talk about food. Even if he went all day and didn’t eat much, it seems like he still gains weight. Like I said, please help us. He does go walking around the church where we live.
Hi Robin: Thank you for your post and for sharing Tyler’s story with us. Chris and Heidi would love to help him personally, but they aren’t taking on clients right now. However, you might be interested in contacting Powell Metabolics, one of Chris and Heidi’s companies, and they can work with Tyler and his healthcare team to put a program in place to help him achieve his transformation goals. They are based in Arizona, but they can work with clients at a distance too. It’s an amazing program, and you can learn more about it here: www.http://themetabolicprogram.com/. We wish you both the best – Tyler can do this!
Hi, Chris and Heidi Love to watch the show and watch people loose the weigh I just wish how I could get my son to watch and get motivated to do it while he is still young. He is going through so much right now I feel like he is going to even get bigger. Right now he weighs well over 400 pounds at the age of 28 He is 6 foot tall Separated from his wife and has a daughter 2 years old. I am going to move in with him next week and start cooking good meals for him and I pray that he don;’t eat to much junk on the outside. He just got a part time job at a local gym and I pray that he will start to work out. I am going to look on line for your Healthy eating advise. Thank you for all that ya’ll do.
Hi Willie: Here’s a post your son can use to achieve his transformation goals: https://heidipowell.net/9060. And there is some great advice in this post you commented on also. I hope this helps! 🙂
hi
my name is frankie and my parents mostly my mum is overweight.
we cant afford the gym and it is getting really tough at home. I have tryed to help as much as i can but because im a dancer im never at home.
my mum suffers with depresion.
could you please give me some thing that may help them out.
Hi Frankie: Thank you for telling us about your mom. There are some great steps she can take in this post, so you might want to share it with her! And she is so lucky to have you!
Hey hedi i want to know if u could help me and my sis lose weight we r both moms to little kids and we r ready to change r life for r kids and want ur help to do it
Hi Heather: Thank you for sharing a bit of your story with us! You both can learn about Chris and Heidi?s carb cycling program ? the same program they use on the show ? in this post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. And be sure and follow all the links within the post too. And Chris and Heidi’s amazing new Transform app will be released on the 27th, and you can learn more about it here: http://thetransformapp.com. You both can totally do this! ?
My sister is only 18 but, she is hating herself because she is overweight. She is constantly putting herself down, and its even affecting those around her. Ever since my grandmothers passing in 2013 she has been eating nonstop, and became super lazy. I hate seeing her like this. What do I do??
Hi Elizabeth: Thank you for telling us about your sister. She needs to choose to begin her transformation journey, and that’s a huge first step to her success. She can learn about Chris and Heidi?s carb cycling program ? the same program they use on the show ? in this post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. And Chris and Heidi?s amazing new Transform app will be released on the 27th, and she can learn more about it here: http://thetransformapp.com. She can totally do this! ?
I’m not looking to get my beautiful wife some training, just some suggestions about some exercise she can do with her limitations. My wife, Lisa, has been loosing weight slowly over the past 3 years, she has gone from 334 to 254. She knows she can lose faster if she moves as her metabolism is shot. Quick history: Lisa has Complex PTSD with all the horrible symptoms of depression, anxiety, discociation, agoraphobia, etc. She lived through horrible abuse her whole childhood from adoptive parentso who were extremely narcissistic. She tried to escape the abuse by getting married, unfortunately he was a sociopath who beat her regularly, raped her frequently and sold her for drugs where she was gang raped. She has no self esteem and apologizes for everything, she truly believes everything that happens around her is her fault. For her health she has adopted a vegan diet. When she was 9 years old till she was 11 her mother put her on a 900 calorie a day diet because they thought she was chubby. As an adult she noticed she had a lot of trouble losing weight. Forward to 2002 she has a severe gallb ladder attack. To check if she had any stones still blocking they sent her for a scan in Nuclear Medicine they said would take about an hour. We were there for over 6 hours while she walked the hall to get the dye through her digestive system and into the gallbladder. Her Dr. told her that she had practically no metabolism. He said the limited calorie diet during childhood growth had done some damage as did the stomach stapling she had done in 1989 (her parents said they could probably live her if she wasn’t so fat) . Today she is a beautiful woman in and out, but she has back injuries resulting in nerve damage and needs a knee replacement on her right knee but refuses to get it until she weighs less. We live in the mountains about 50 miles from Lake Tahoe. She has limited mobility and a lot of swelling in the knee when she walks. I just want to help her and be there for her. I don’t want to lose her because she thinks she’s worthless and damaged. Any ideas will be appreciated. Thank you.
Hi Jim: Thank you for your comment, and I’m so sorry for all your wife has had to go through. I can’t imagine how difficult this all has been for her (and for you too). With her medical issues, I’d discuss the exercise part of Chris and Heidi’s carb cycling program with her healthcare team and then have them help her put an exercise program in place that will help her achieve her goals and not negatively affect her issues. They are the best ones to help her since they understand her issues and can work with her on a one-on-one basis. We’d hate to recommend something that would make things worse. Here’s a link to Chris and Heidi’s book: http://amzn.to/2eTGrVy. We wish you both the best, and please congratulate her on losing 80 pounds! That’s amazing!!!
HI MI NOMBRE ES henry y soy de peru QUIERO pierde peso NECESITO AYUDA porfavor
Hola, Hernrya: Usted puede comenzar su viaje de transformaci?n hoy con las herramientas en este post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. Usted puede hacer esto totalmente!
My name is Stephen Barrell. I am a 34 year old male that has battled extreme obesity most of my life. There was brief period of time between 17 and 21 where I lost a significant amount of weight and got down to about 220 pounds. Due to alot of things that have happened in my life I am literally at the end of my rope. Im 6 foot 3 and probably the heaviest i have ever been. No doctors scales will weigh me and I have got to be around 600 pounds at least. This is my last chance to either lose the weight or become permenatly disabled or worse die. The depression is unreal and I have no where to turn. I don’t even know if you will get this but I pray with all my heart you do.
God bless the work you do and I pray this reaches you because im running out of time.
Hi Stephen: Thank you for your comment and for sharing your story with us. You can learn all about Chris and Heidi’s carb cycling program – the same program they use on the show – in this post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. And be sure and follow all the links within the post too. Many, many people have achieved their transformation goals using their program, and we know you can too! As with any nutrition and exercise program, please discuss this program with your healthcare team first and then follow any modifications they may recommend. You can take your first step today by making and keeping that first small, simple promise to yourself (link in the post). These small promises are truly the #1 key to transformation, so if it would help, reply back with your promise, then let me know how you did tomorrow! You can do this!