Seeing others struggle, no matter what they’re struggling with, is tough. Super tough. Especially when the person who is struggling is a friend or family member. We love those closest to us, and we want them to be happy and successful in all areas of their lives.
I’ve seen a lot of people struggle with weight loss in my years and years of experience in the transformation world. I’ve seen them lose weight, gain it back, lose it again, and gain even more back. I’ve done all I physically and mentally could do to help and support them. Believe me, if there was a magic button I could’ve pushed and all that extra weight and the baggage that comes with it would disappear (because extra weight is heavy in more than just pounds!), it would’ve been so tempting to push that button.
But…and this is a HUGE BUT…the worst thing I could do for someone I love is push that button and make the changes for them. Why? Because there is no magic button, and I’d be doing them a huge disservice if I took the opportunity and growth and experience away from them that they’d gain going through the journey of transformation. And to be honest, that magic button change would be short-term. We respect and honor and protect the things we work hard for. Including, and especially, weight loss.
Here’s the deal: Change, no matter the type of change, has to come from a desire within the person who wants or needs to make that change. You cannot make someone else change. You cannot do the work to change for them. And that realization can be tough, especially when you see others struggling, even to the point of putting their health and their lives at risk.
The change—any change—has to come from them. They’re the only ones who can decide to change and then take the steps to change. But…you can support them through the changes they’re making. And that’s an important part to play in their transformation! According to the Mayo Clinic, the support of friends and family members can be a key to long-term weight loss success.
Accountability is key to transformation and achieving any goal. Learn more here.
What does the process of change look like?
So, to better equip you to help those you love achieve their transformation goals, let’s break down what the process of change looks like, otherwise known as The Transtheoretical Model, or more commonly known as The Stages of Change:
- Stage 1. Precontemplation: Don’t think a change is needed.
- Stage 2. Contemplation: Starting to consider change, but not quite ready to commit to change.
- Stage 3. Preparation: Preparing to change, maybe even making steps towards change (researching workout and/or nutrition plans, starting to work out, starting to eat more healthily, etc.). This step can often be triggered by a scary health experience or diagnosis.
- Stage 4. Action: Regularly engaging in activities to promote change (workout out and/or nutrition plan adherence) for 3-6 months. Putting plans in place to combat any roadblocks that might come up.
- Stage 5. Maintenance: Regularly engaging in the activities to promote change (workout out and/or nutrition plan adherence) for more than six months. Able to successfully navigate any roadblocks and potential relapses.
Why do I share The Stages of Change? It’s important for both you and the person who wants to change to understand which stage they’re in right now because someone who doesn’t think they need to change and someone who is preparing to change are in two totally different spaces and mindsets.
Think of a goal you want to accomplish: What stage of change are you in right now?
Top tips to help someone you love lose weight for good
While you can’t make a change for someone else, you can be helpful on their journey, so here are six tips you can put into place today to help someone you love lose that weight for good.
Tip #1. Remember: This is their goal, not your goal. The way you go about achieving a goal, especially a transformation-related goal, might be different from what will work for them or from the steps they want to take to achieve their goal. Offer suggestions when asked, but realize that your suggestions might be implemented or ignored. And both are okay!
Tip #2. Cheer, don’t coach. This tip goes along with tip #1. Embarking on a transformation journey can be overwhelming and frustrating with so many things to learn and do. So, the last thing your loved one needs is another person, especially someone close to them, continually suggesting things for them to do and try. Your role is to cheer them on, notice and congratulate them on every single small win, and keep telling them they CAN do this!
Tip #3. Meet them where they’re at right now. You can’t force someone out of the stage of change they’re in. It just won’t work. So, understand where they are, support them as much as you can, and they’ll progress on their transformation path in the way that’s best for them.
Tip #4. Encourage baby steps. It’s going to be so tempting to them to want to hit all their workouts and nutrition plan perfectly, but this is a recipe for disaster. Instead, encourage them to take on just one new thing at a time so they can develop healthy habits and experience long-term results—results that will stick. Research backs this up:
- Take on 1 new thing at a time = 80% chance for success.
- Take on 2 new things at a time = 35% chance for success.
- Take on 3+ new things at a time = 3% chance for success.
Tip #5. Help them build integrity. Integrity, especially personal integrity, is THE key to achieving any goal, but especially where weight loss is concerned. When you do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, no matter what, the results WILL come. And that’s a promise! In fact, this is the first step I take with every single client I work with. How do you help someone build integrity? Through a little thing I call a Power Promise. A Power Promise is a promise you make to yourself, and this promise is so simple that you can do it every time, no matter what. When it comes to helping your loved one make their first Power Promise, this promise doesn’t even have to be transformation-related. The important thing is to slowly help them build their self-confidence and personal integrity and get them winning right from the beginning.
Learn more about Power Promises + Integrity here.
Tip #6. Ask them how you can best support them, then do that. Whether it’s through frequent check-ins, less frequent check-ins, whatever type of check-in works best for them (phone, text, etc.)…, it’s all about doing whatever they feel will work best for them. Their perspective of support might be different than yours or someone else’s. Remember: Weight loss—or any type of goal—has a learning curve, and your friend or family member is on that learning curve. Allow them the space to learn and grow.
Transformation is hard. Watching someone you love struggle to transform their lives, especially when it comes to losing weight, is hard. It’s our natural inclination to want to jump in and try and do the work for them. Don’t do that. Instead, use the tips I’ve shared, and not only will you be able to support them along their transformation journey, but I bet that relationship will grow even stronger!
xo,
Related reading:
Build a life you love: Set Goals + Achieve Them
How to Build Momentum, Accomplish Your Goals, + Create a Life You LOVE!
How to Beat the Odds and Actually Finish Your Goals | Jon Acuff
Consistency Is Key: How to Make Your Fitness Goals a Reality
How SMART Are Your Goals?
190 Responses
Self-sabotage
I need help in understanding why I self sabotage… I work out 5-6 times a week, but usually once a week, I have a moment where I eat anything and anything in my house… and can’t stop.
Help me to understand why I do this and how I can stop it. I am a 52 year old woman who has been struggling with my weight for over 20 years.
I have been around the 195 mark ( up and down 15lbs) for the last 10 years.. I want to stop yo you dieting and find the way to help myself lose this weight once and for all.
Thank you
Darlene
Hi Darlene: First of all, you might find Chris and Heidi’s #1 transformation tool helpful for those times when you’re tempted to self-sabotage. You can learn all about this tool here: https://heidipowell.net/8679. Second of all, you might find some things you can add to what you’re already doing in their carb cycling program, and you can learn about the basics here: https://heidipowell.net/9060. They build reward meals and days into their program (depending on which cycle you choose), which allows you to eat those favorite “treat”-type foods while still losing weight. Give it a try?! You can do this!
Dear Chris and Heidi, My name is Mesenda i am write because my husband Harold is 40 years old and he is a veteran, he is over weight which is taking a major toll on his body. We have been married just a little over 3 years and all together we have 7 kids, it is very difficult for him to do anything with the kids without being in alot of pain. When he was in the Marines he tore the ligaments from the bone in his ankle which has caused knee and hip problems. He has been going to our local ymca and working out but i really think he could use some more incouragpement.
He has 3 kids his oldest son Alex has a form of autism called aspergers he is 17, unforentally he isnt liveing with us at the moment he is in a pema placement to get help copeing and dealing with his anger and feelings he is also adhd. His daughter is 15 she lives with us she also is adhd, she has a mood disorder and anxiety, Harold has raised Alex and Skai mostly on his own all of there life there mother has never really been there for them. The claim me as there mother cause i am always there for them and always keep my promises to them. The his youngest son Caleb is 11 days older then my oldest he is 11, he lives in Arizona with his mom but comes to Iowa during the summer. My kids, Carle is 11, Kollin is 10, Dominick 8 and Brennden is 5 but only my oldest 3 live with us.
We had moved into the house that my husband grew up in to help his mom out after she had had 2 seizures. We had also moved my mom up here to Newton so we can help her to.
But back to Harold, sorry i get distracted i have adhd and some other mental health problems. My husband is wanting to lose this weight because he doesnt want to end up weighting 350 pounds like his dad. And the kids and I also want to see his lose the weight and get healthy so he stays around longer and is able to do more things with them.
And i also would like him to be around long to enjoy our marrige, we were married May 12, 2012.
Thank You
Mesenda and the childern
ps. hope to hear back from you soon
Hi Mesenda: Thank you for sharing Harold’s story with us. You guys have a lot going on! Chris and Heidi aren’t taking on clients right now, and casting for EWL is currently closed, but Harold can begin his own transformation journey today with all the tools Chris and Heidi have provided for all of us to use to achieve our transformation goals. You can learn about all these tools in this post: heidipowell.net/9060. Be sure he follows all the links in the post, and that he talks with his healthcare team first so he can follow any recommendations they might have. He can do this!
Hello Heidi and Chris,
I am reaching out because I have a much younger sister (she’s 10) who is overweight and no matter how much I try to tell my parents they need to take action, nothing is done about it. My sister weighs more than me (as a 7 month pregnant 27 year old) and it scares me. I know she is at risk for all sorts of health problems, if she doesn’t have some already, and I don’t want that for her. As a 10 year old just starting middle school, she should be enjoying her childhood and not worry about any health risks or getting picked on by peers. Any help you can provide as far as getting my parents to realize the path she is going down and ways to start fixing it would be greatly appreciated! Living across the country from my family makes it hard for me to help the way I’d like to.
Thank you,
Amanda
Phoenix, Arizona
Hi Amanda: Thank you for sharing your sister’s story with us. Your situation has got to be so frustrating, especially since you live so far away from your sister. I’m not sure if this will help, but here’s a blog post that you could share with your parents and hopefully help them to understand your concerns for your little sister: https://heidipowell.net/7201/teens-and-healthy-body-image-its-not-just-about-the-pounds/. And have you spoken with your sister’s healthcare team? If not, that might also be an option you could take. We wish you and your little sister the best, and hope you can find the best ways to help her.
Hi, Heidi and Chris, I love watching your show. I get very inspired to exercise after seeing your show. I am 30 years old. I am trying to lose weight. I struggled with my weight almost all of my life. I wanting to get down to ideal weight for my height. Its about 118 to 154. I am a little over 170 right now. I don’t have too much to lose. I hate that I am always tired and always sick. I don’t like how I look right now. I am Vegetarian. I don’t know how to do carb cycling being a VEGETARIAN?
Hi Melody Ann: Carb cycling as a vegetarian can be a bit tricky, but there are some vegetarian options in the program. You can get the complete approved foods list in “Choose More, Lose More for Life.” http://amzn.to/1rhkPaQ. We wish you the best!
Hi! I’m Kyle. Me and my wife watch and love your show! We live in Phoenix, AZ and at the moment my wife works as a dog groomer at Pet Co and I’m a stay at home dad. My wife has brought into this world 9 amazing children. Most are now out on their own but we still have a 4 month old boy named Kristopher and his older sister 2 and a half year old Katy, also the eldest boy still stays with us Anthony. We are quite busy keeping track of the kids including the older ones so much that, she really doesn’t have the time to get where she wants to be physically. She is 4’10 and weighs 202 lbs and 42 years old. She told me she wishes to weigh 120 lbs. She works so much and I got her the Bullet blender and we stay clear of foods that are bad for her blood pressure and my cholesterol, but she just stays above 200. We went to planet fitness for a few months then we were blessed with Kristopher and now she and I haven’t been going since then. I want her to be able to be where she wants physically, I love her no matter what, but I know how she is now bothers her. I don’t know what to do for her with our current situation. If you could help anyway please respond or e-mail me :D. I’m not to um computer knowledgeable, so if you could also link to whatever you suggest for me and her to read or something like that so I don’t have to look for it that would be nice. My wife has no idea I posted this, and it would be neat if y’all could give her a call personally just to advise her and support her or even see her in person she’d freak with excitement. She works so hard and just can’t get her body where she wants it, please help in anyway you can. Thanks.
And BTW she was in a car accident, so she is limited with what she can do with her legs, one of them has a metal rod and screws so she is unable to run long distances and bend it too a certain extent. Another obstacle for her to overcome. Again, thanks for anything that would help.
HI Kyle: I’m going to respond to both of your posts here, if that’s okay. Thank you for sharing your wife’s story with us! She’s an amazing woman – it’s not hard to tell that. And 9 children? You both are amazing! Chris and Heidi have put their carb cycling program – the same program they use on the show – into their book, “Choose More, Lose More for Life,” and you can get the basics of their program here: https://heidipowell.net/9060 (be sure she follows all the links in this post). And with her health issues, please have her discuss this program with her healthcare team first, and then follow any modifications they might recommend. And please also remind her, since her movement/activity might be a bit limited, that a huge key to achieving her transformation goals is good nutrition, so she can still do this! Here’s another option that might be awesome for her, especially since you live in Phoenix: Chris and Heidi have recently created the Powell Metabolic Program, where their Arizona team members provide not only clinical one-on-one coaching through her health insurance provider, but distance coaching as well. For more information, please visit http://www.powellmetabolics.com or call 480.378.3522. Another key to her achieving her goals is a great support system, which she already has in you. We wish her the best – she can do this! If you have any other questions, please post another comment.
Dear Heidi, my mother has gone through so many tragic things in her life and she is overweight and Being a teenager I still live with her and see her struggle everyday and she never wants to look in the mirror it just makes me sad to see my mom, my hero, be so upset with herself everyday. I have gone with her and tried the Powell metabolic program and she tries so hard but she just needs that extra push she’s tried everything and I need your help or advice on how to make my mom happy again I love her so much and I want her to see herself through my eyes and understand hoaImg she is but I need your help or advice what should I do?
Hi Baylee: I know it must be so hard to watch your mom having such a difficult time. But like this post said, the decision to transform her life really has to come from her. It sounds like you’re being such an awesome support for her, so one thing you can do to continue to help her is to help her make and keep those small, simple promises to herself. Here’s a link to the post about the promise process: https://heidipowell.net/8679. This is definitely Chris and Heidi’s #1 transformation tool, and it works! We wish you both the best!
Hi Heidi, my name is Ednei. I have a brother who is 10 years older then me, he is overweight. He has some disabilities and the doctor called me today and told him that he needs to exercise more because he is on line for diabetes. So how can we help him lose weight? He’s a little slow and he doesn’t get how to diet properly and if I tell him how to do it then he gets confused… Do you have any advice on this?? (He can’t read also)
Hi Ednei: Chris and Heidi have an amazing nutrition and exercise program – carb cycling – and it could totally work for your brother. You can find information about the basics of their program in this post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. I would suggest you discuss this program with his healthcare team first, and then follow any modifications they might recommend. Everything he’ll need to do is outlined in their program, including pictures that go with the strength training exercises, so I hope it is something you could help him learn how to do. There’s a great graphic in this post (as well as some other helpful information) that shows how to put together all his carb cycling meals, so that should help make things simpler too: https://heidipowell.net/4514. As for cardio, walking can be a great form of exercise, so that would be a good place for him to start. I hope this helps – we wish both of you the best. And please keep us updated on his progress!
Dear Heidi, I’m writing to on behave of a really good friend of mine, she is a very awesome lady with a heart of gold. it hurts me to see what she has been going through, she is 5″2 and weighs 300 pounds. It’s hard for her to hold down jobs because of her weight and also most people will not hire her. She has lived in Government housing for a long time and the only work she can get is sitting with people that are very ill, or with children with disabilities. I know that you receive tons of letters asking for help, but I’m begging you to help my friend Vickie. I’m in fear of her health.
Hi Kerri: Thank you so much for commenting and telling us about Vickie. While Heidi truly wishes she could personally help everyone who needs her help, unfortunately, she’s not taking on clients right now. However, because she’s not able to help everyone, she and Chris have made all the tools they use on EWL available for all of us to use to achieve our transformation goals. Vickie can learn all about Chris and Heidi’s carb cycling program in this post: https://heidipowell.net/9060. Their program will teach her everything she needs to know and do to achieve her goals, and we know she can do it. Many people have had great success using their program – it works!
I desparately need some help! My granddaughter is 10 years old. Each year she gains more and more. She has zero self esteem! Her mother and dad have been divorced since she was three. Her dad doesn’t have much to do with her! She’s seen him maybe 3 times this past year. Her mother has been dating someone for about 2 1/2 years. My granddaughter is slowing losing interest in everything! She hates being overweight yet can’t put forth the effort to lose. She use to be very active in sports but doesn’t want to do anything now, but eat! Please help! I’m afraid it’s going to get so out of hand ………….. I need you help on what to do!
Hi Nancy: Thank you for sharing your granddaughter’s story with us. We understand that it is so difficult to be a tween these days! They are constantly bombarded with images and advice on how and what they should do and be and look like, and most are very unrealistic. Heidi has addressed the tweens (and teens) and body image issue in this amazing post on this blog: https://heidipowell.net/7201/teens-and-healthy-body-image-its-not-just-about-the-pounds/. In this post, she offers lots of helpful suggestions for both tweens and those with tweens in their lives, and I hope you can find some ideas that will help you help her develop healthy habits that will benefit her throughout her life. We wish you both the best!
Dear Chris and Heidi.
I am looking for some suggestion on how i can lose the last 50 lbs that I would like to lose.I am at
a stand still in my life. My husband filed for divorce after 38 yrs of marriage and all these years I have been taking care of him our children and grandchildren and leaving me for the end of the rope. The one thing I have done Is I went and had the lap band done though it has helped me I now face the issue of paying for the fills. I started at 265 lbs and I am sitting at about 185. I have never been one for exercise but I am active in playing sports> I started walking as well. But doesn’t seem to help much . I am 56 years old and wondered if maybe you could give me some suggestions. Or
maybe meet you for an appointment if you have an office in Phoenix,Az> I know you are busy people with the show and your family but any help would be appreciated . And God Bless
Hi Diane: I’m so sorry to hear about all you’ve been going through and can’t imagine how difficult this has been for you. Chris and Heidi have recently created the Powell Metabolic Program, where their Arizona team members provide not only clinical one-on-one coaching through your health insurance provider, but distance coaching as well. For more information, please visit http://www.powellmetabolics.com or call 480.378.3522. This might be a great option for you! And here’s another option: Check out their carb cycling program – the same one they use on EWL – and use these tools to finish your transformation journey. Just be sure and discuss their program with your healthcare team first, and then follow any modifications they recommend. You can do this!