Ladies, it’s time we had a talk. Not THE talk, but you’ll definitely need to have had THAT talk before we have THIS talk. It’s a subject that gets joked about, glamorized, and sensationalized, but it’s rarely treated with the sincere power it’s capable of. I’m talking about sex. More specifically, it’s time we had a talk about how much sex you and your significant other are having. A little too personal? Trust me, I agree, and if this wasn’t a subject I felt extremely passionate about, I wouldn’t bring it up.
But truly, sex saved my marriage, and I am willing to bet it could save (or improve!) yours too.
About a year ago, Chris and I sat stoic with bleary, red eyes, completely speechless in the parking lot of a divorce attorney’s office. Seriously. We had spent months completely at each other’s throats, years of the same arguments again and again had turned our hearts cold, and the idea of staying together was seemingly impossible. We sat and stared at each other completely in awe of what we were about to do. And then we had an idea.
A couple weeks prior to us landing in the parking lot of the attorney’s office, we confided in a close friend about our challenges. Between working together, raising children together, and watching our dreams grow and then plummet then begin to grow again, Chris and I had almost ZERO feelings of love and romance for each other left. Sure we loved each other, but is that the same as being in love? No, it’s not.
And truth be told, we BOTH needed to feel loved again, and the idea that it could ever come from each other again was unfathomable. Our friend shared a challenge he and his wife took on during a similar rut in their romance, and he raved about how it healed years old wounds, rekindled a fire they thought had long died out, and turned them from near enemies to best friends.
So what’s the magic challenge? It’s simple: Have sex every. single. day. for 30 days.
I know what you’re thinking, because trust me, I thought alllll the same things. Seriously? How could sex save my marriage? What if I’m too tired? Or sick? Sex is great, but THIRTY days straight? I don’t think we can do that. But then we tried it.
Prior to the challenge, I had very little hope that anything, let alone what goes on between the sheets, could keep Chris and me together, but I am here to say it transformed our marriage. The first few days were business as usual? we hadn’t fought much those days so sex didn’t seem like a terrible idea.
By day 6, though, Chris and I were in the midst of one our infamous knock out, drag down fights. I didn’t even want to LOOK at him, let alone be intimate with him. I walked into our bedroom and declared, “The challenge is over, there’s no point.” And Chris, being a man truer to his integrity than anyone else on earth, said, “No, we made a commitment, and we’re sticking to it.” And so we did. Guys, without divulging too many details (because, ahem, awkward), we went from hating each other’s guts to laughing hysterically, cuddling, and feeling those same warm feelings that we felt many moons ago when we were first dating.
The challenge continued another 24 days with plenty of arguments, hurt feelings, and negative thoughts along the way. However, the next 24 days were also filled with more flirting, quick kisses, silly teases, and friendly moments than we had shared in months…maybe even years. Somewhere along the way, our marriage shifted from business partner-based to best friends who were lucky enough to have sleepovers every single night.
And was it the sex that did it? Maybe partially. But what I believe really changed us was our dedication to spending even 20 minutes every single day completely focused on each other. Despite the good, the bad, and the ugly of the day, despite busy schedules and hurt feelings, we knew that nightly we were going to have the opportunity to put everything aside and just be in love?something Chris and I had never prioritized quite like that before. It gave us silly moments and ones filled with passion, and it allowed us to open up and spend time cuddled up and chatting, an almost extinct act between us previously. The 30 day challenge may have been based on sex, but what we gained from it had nothing to do with sex at all. The 30 day challenge gave us our love back, and in turn, our marriage.
Now, it’s your turn. Whether you’re a newlywed or nearing divorce, I have no doubt in my mind that committing to and completing the 30 day sex challenge can and will improve your feelings of sincere love for your spouse. Now, is it a guaranteed fix for every marital woe? Of course not! But I truly believe in the healing power of this commitment to your loved one. So give it a try and report back. Of course, spare the gory details, 😉 but I want to know if it works for you! Did the 30 Day Sex Challenge save your marriage too? Help it? Hurt it? Let me know!
xo,
Heidi
Related reading:
6 Ways to Spend Valentine?s With Your (My) Swolemate
5 Years of (Mostly) Wedded Bliss + How We Met Vid!
Feel the Love?and the Burn! || Ultimate Couple?s Workout
Giving Love to Others
40 for my 40 year old || Why Chris Powell is the Greatest Man on Earth
154 Responses
I once was a “hostage” in a sexless marriage. My ex-husband had a non-existent libido and made me feel I had some kind of disorder for wanting sex. I couldn’t mention wanting sex, I couldn’t joke about it, in his words “everything with me had to do with sex”… I felt undesired, unattractive, invisible. I felt inadequate. And what do you do when someone doesn’t want to have sex with you? Nothing. I accepted and resented him. It was really strange because he was affectionate in different ways, like hugging, holding hands but sex was virtually off the table. I stayed with him for 16 years, 16 years of this! Eventually, the marriage started to crumble and fell apart, and in our case, the lack of sex was just a symptom of deeper issues. Divorcing was the best thing that has ever happened to me though. My now husband just loves sex as much as I do, he has a healthy approach to sex, no judgments, open to experiment. We have sex when we want, whenever we can, no agendas, no obligations, just genuine pleasure. It’s my dream come true! What I also learned is that couples NEED to communicate. We are very open, very honest. To us the combination of amazing sex and great combination is what makes us stronger each day.
I’m also in a hostage of such. My wife sex drive is very low. I’m sexually depressed. She always comes up with excuses and I sometimes feel like maybe she’s not attracted to me anymore. But there are things she does that makes me relax and knowing she loves me. But we can take 3 to 4 weeks without having sex, and when we have, it’s when I feel like I forced it to happen or when she feels pity for me. I end up just having it but not enjoying. We’ve been together for 9 years and are married for 2 years. Have 3 kids together.
I have been in a sexless marriage for 25 years. What does one do?? I?ve done everything possible and I?m not fat at all and had 2 kids 24 years ago. I tell him and tell him and allbhe says is once a month is fine and I need help but then again what would one expect when he enjoys porn at his job and takes care of himself vs wanting the real thing me his Wife. The truth finally has catchy up with him and no counselor in the world can help this I know been there done that. It?s up to him and up to me now if I want to endure this anymore. I?m
Young at 47 but the problem is me one of our there who is serious about wanting a good Woman. When a Man sees me it?s all about the body and looks. Been like this since I was 11. I so sick of it. Divorce rate is 74 percent high and Law was my major and I?ve akways kept the spark up and always been the one to initiate intimacy. He only has 8 times in 25 years. I feel so ugly and alone and I?ve prayed. Houston, Cypress, Texas. Anyome reading this your not alone and I?m not dead at the age of 80 either. Reply back
I find this interesting because… well we are all different. What may work for one may not work for another. I believe that physical sexual connection is such a critical piece in a marriage. Because as we all know life is busy, schedules are crazy! The full time working mommy?s out there are exhausted by the time the kiddos are put to bed! Honestly most times the last thing on the brain is sex! I?m so happy that you and Your husband were able to reconnect really it?s a blessing! No one wants to see a family torn apart! That yummy part of my marriage has been gone for years it?s just part of the routine now. ?? Biggest reason for me and I hate to admit this because my once gorgeous husband has let himself go for YEARS!!!!!! It has so changed our bedroom life! I?ve tried to motivate support you name it I?ve tried it. Nothing works…. he just won?t workout doesn?t try to get back to him! I?m sorry but let?s be honest here when we see someone for the first time even before words are spoken there is a physical chemistry that sparks between two people. Hey I?ve been with my guy for 17 years and would never leave because of what I speak about BUT I wish he could see how this impacts things. We?ve talked about it but he just gets mad so we put it away cause we never get anywhere! I feel bad as his wife I worry about his health first and foremost! The thought of having sex for 30 days doesn?t appeal to me. I wish it did Lord knows I pray all the Time asking God to please open my husbands eyes and ears! I?m 46 and my husband is 40. I?ve always been in good shape health and fitness is just who I am. I believe he was very attracted to that. Back in the day my fella was quite an athlete but now just a frumpy over worked stressed out guy! I know he doesn?t feel good and certainly doesn?t look good! ? I love my husband that?s a give in been through the shit and back more times than I care to admit! I loved your post Heidi it takes courage for sure to put it out there. And hey it just may help couples out there struggling because we all do! Take care peace love and Joy!
Did you ever think that your are looking at the situation the wrong way. My husband used to say the same about me, that I didn?t look the way he wanted me to. Have you ever thought about how those kinds of thoughts can negatively effect your husband and make him feel unworthy and depressed. Marriage is not one sided and nothing is ever all to blame on one spouse. Can you honestly say that your love for your husband is so shallow that it all goes out the window because he doesn?t look the way you want him to. Do you look exactly like you did when you first started dating. I challenge you to pray a new prayer. I whole heartedly believe in the power of prayer and I know nothing is too big that God can?t change it. I challenge you to pray that God would change YOUR heart, that God would help you to reconnect with your husband in whatever way HE sees best. If you aren?t willing to try Heidi?s challenge, then pray the above mentioned prayer for thirty days straight. I believe God can fix your marriage. You just have to believe that it will happen, no matter if it?s how you think is best or not.
What if his motivation has to come from keeping up with you in the bedroom? What if God’s answer to your prayers only comes if you open your heart and love on your hubby where is and not where he used to be? Just food for thought.
Karen, maybe if you start with just kissing him passionately for 30 days it may spark something in him that will wake his drive up. And if he sees how happy you are to be with him he may want to go back to working out for you and him both. He will feel better. Sex is a stress release just like working out.
I appreciate this comment so much! I am in the same boat. Sadly I spent so many years fighting to stay in shape and he didn?t I became tired and let myself go too. I?m angry at him for dragging me down but I?m more angry at myself for letting him. His job loss after job loss is also getting to me. Sex isn?t even on the table anymore. With so many big issues how do we do this for 30 days…? Physical connection matters when it comes to sex, while it?s not the only thing it?s near the top.
You say ?wish he could see how this impacts things? but don?t you see how your attitude/disgust towards him is really the thing impacting your marriage?
And For all those saying ?the thought of having sex with him/her just doesn?t appeal to me, I can?t? that?s THE POINT. If it did appeal to you, you probably wouldn?t be experiencing deeper issues. Get out of your comfort zone, try it and like Heidi said, the fringe benefits (hugging, kissing, flirting, cuddling, laughing) is what?s going to hopefully spark something.
Nuks: You can’t continue like this. Things will only get worse, with resentment building by the day. You need to get into marriage counseling quickly; if you can afford it, a sex therapist. At the very least you need to let your wife know where things are leading, and explain that sex isn’t just a physical act that creates kids, or something that horny teenagers engage in, but rather something that brings you closer, emotionally, to your wife. Something that makes you want to cuddle in bed with her. Something that reassures you. It’s 2 or 3 weeks between sex now; for most, that qualifies as basically sexless. You’re likely to see that moving to 2 or 3 months. Do something sooner than later.
I tried that. It made me feel terrible. I soon after that realized I am asexual. I wouldn?t recommend this approach but I?m glad things worked out for you. Making a commitment to have sex even when I didn?t feel like it just about wrecked me.
Thank you so much for sharing your message on social media about the 30 day challenge. My husband and I got married in August of 2018. We are really struggling right now with intimacy. We work together and with very minimal time together. It?s always business. (we see each other but we don?t SEE each other) At times I feel like I don?t know him anymore. It?s so sad. I care about him deeply and I know he feels the same but we are just so pissed at each other. We don?t know what do to. So, I am going to talk to him about the 30 day challenge. I hope that he will be on board with it. Again, thank you so much! I am looking forward to reporting back without details. 🙂
Thank you!
A
I love seeing pictures and videos of you two and seeing what a wonderful relationship you have been able to have. And thank you for being so honest and open about your struggles. I’m really excited to try this challenge and see what it does for our marriage, cause I’ve definitely felt like something is different or missing in the past few months. Love you both!
I wish it were that easy for me. Sadly I?ve been diagnosed with lichen schlerosis and sex is too painful. Me and my husband have been married 23 going on 24 years. We haven?t had sex in 5 years. He?s a wonderful man who deserves to have a healthy sex life which I don?t know if will ever again be possible with me. The future looks bleak in that respect.
My husband and I have been married for 20 years, together for 25 with 3 kids. Few years into our marriage we noticed that we would argue when life got in the way which meant we didn’t touch each other except when we had sex. We have always had a strong sex life, but once we realized the correlation of the touch we made it a habit every morning and night to just hug. close body contact hug…sometimes its for minutes and other times its for 30 seconds. But when we stop touching each other we get cranky and snippy with each other. That hug helps in so many ways – stress goes away, kids are happy, we are happy. Touch is a magical thing.
I have followed both of you for years and I always admire your honesty. I’m very happy this worked for you, however I have to ask without expecting an answer, what on earth can you possibly have to fight about that much? My husband died two months ago and thankfully we rarely argued. I would do anything to have him back but we rarely wasted our energy arguing with each other. You have to choose your battles because no two people will ever agree on everything. But I’ve read a lot about you two arguing and I don’t understand it. It’s not for me to understand I’m just saying put into perspective what you would do if your husband was suddenly gone? All of those things you argued about wouldn’t matter so stop fighting about everything because most likely it’s trivial things that don’t matter. And if you don’t already know, figure out what your love language is for each of you. There’s a book about it and it’s very helpful. Good luck ?
I?m sorry for the loss of your husband. You are so lucky to have had, what sounds like a healthy relationship. You are very blessed and I would think you both worked hard to keep your relationship strong and love each other. However I do think that is what Heidi and Chris are doing as well..but everyone has different personalities and different strengths and weaknesses. MOST relationships do have arguments, and though it doesn?t mean you don?t love each other, for most couples, relationships require constant work and commitment over and over. This is not a negative thing, just reality. There are lot of factors that go into this. My husband and I know each other?s love languages, and while I think it?s great to know them, this doesn?t mean that we are always perfect at ?filling each other?s cups? in these areas. I admire Heidi for being so vulnerable to display their relationship struggles publicly in an effort to relate to and help other couples doing through the same thing??
I was wondering about this also. My husband and I have been married 15 years and very rarely argue… maybe once per year and it lasts like 5 min before we realize it is stupid…. it?s not worth energy.
People are different, relationships are different. Some people communicate better than others and some people are more mature emotionally than others. I also think that the situation around the couple counts a lot – a large family, busy schedules, growing businesses… I can see it being stressful and making things harder sometimes. I think the key thing is solving/fixing what needs to be addressed instead of having an on-going argument forever because the real issue is still there.
I’m so sorry for your loss. ?
I have to disagree with you. I am not saying you are wrong, because everyone can find greatness in their marriage through different things. But to me, having sex with my husband is just the icing on the cake, the extra piece to love each other. I cannot base my relationship with him around sex, why? Because marriage has to be a lot more than loving your partner through sex. Marriage is about conquering things together and going through ups and down together as partners, communicate likes and dislikes, even when one of you is indiferent about sex, YES! That does not mean you do not love that person just because you don’t feel like having “sex” with him or her that night, or that week or that month! If you feel you need to that to keep him with you, then he is definitely not loving YOU for who you are or for what you can offer him besides sex. Just my opinion.
It sounds to me that you have a very different view on what sex is and only are thinking of the physical side of it. Heidi explained that they had already gone through the ups and downs, built a business and were raising a family. What was MISSING, was that intimidate connection. A Godly act if you will. Not a ?oh I?m so horny and if you don?t give it to me I?m leaving? type of deal. She even said it wasn?t about the sex. It was about making a conscious effort to show up and be present for each other and ONLY each other every single night. I think she put this beautifully, and it?s a great challenge. 🙂
There is a difference between loving someone & building a life on that love and being IN LOVE where there?s passion like when you first met. I 100% agree with Heidi on this as I know for a fact our marriage and love for one another grew and yes it?s partially just spending that ?quality time? together , loving each other with no distractions. no phone, no kids, no tv, no computer just eachother in the most vulnerable way possible. That?s passion , that?s being madly in love again 🙂
I agree with you 100% J. I was thinking that people were being critical of Heidi basing this only on sex but I don?t believe that was it at all. It?s exactly as you said, focusing on each other and only each other for a period of time a day. I can?t imagine the type of schedule they have. Kudos for them to make it work and not give up. No matter what it took. No judgements need to be given.
Ok, but what happens when that may be his need and he gives you what you need whatever that is and lives you regardless of the sec? Well I can tell you what happens if it starts to turn into feelings of resentment the stress relief and to feel wanted by wife she likes sex but dies not need or one that you’re as much as me but she needs hugs and back and shoulder rubs to relieve her stress. All I’m saying is help each other out I would give anything for having sex with Me 3 times a week I don’t get that but I am completely in love with her so I’m not going anywhere. I hope that things will change it’s not all her fault I have caused a lot of stress because I have struggle with the pain pills prescribed for my debillitating back pain. Unfortunately I have lied to her and spend a lot of money on pills over the year we’re trying to work through that and I hope that will be closer as I get that problem under control and move on from it. I do feel like it would be easier to move on from with more stress relief from sex.
Wow, thank you so much for your transparency about this issue. This will change marriages and change lives. Thank you thank you thank you.