Ladies, it’s time we had a talk. Not THE talk, but you’ll definitely need to have had THAT talk before we have THIS talk. It’s a subject that gets joked about, glamorized, and sensationalized, but it’s rarely treated with the sincere power it’s capable of. I’m talking about sex. More specifically, it’s time we had a talk about how much sex you and your significant other are having. A little too personal? Trust me, I agree, and if this wasn’t a subject I felt extremely passionate about, I wouldn’t bring it up.
But truly, sex saved my marriage, and I am willing to bet it could save (or improve!) yours too.
About a year ago, Chris and I sat stoic with bleary, red eyes, completely speechless in the parking lot of a divorce attorney’s office. Seriously. We had spent months completely at each other’s throats, years of the same arguments again and again had turned our hearts cold, and the idea of staying together was seemingly impossible. We sat and stared at each other completely in awe of what we were about to do. And then we had an idea.
A couple weeks prior to us landing in the parking lot of the attorney’s office, we confided in a close friend about our challenges. Between working together, raising children together, and watching our dreams grow and then plummet then begin to grow again, Chris and I had almost ZERO feelings of love and romance for each other left. Sure we loved each other, but is that the same as being in love? No, it’s not.
And truth be told, we BOTH needed to feel loved again, and the idea that it could ever come from each other again was unfathomable. Our friend shared a challenge he and his wife took on during a similar rut in their romance, and he raved about how it healed years old wounds, rekindled a fire they thought had long died out, and turned them from near enemies to best friends.
So what’s the magic challenge? It’s simple: Have sex every. single. day. for 30 days.
I know what you’re thinking, because trust me, I thought alllll the same things. Seriously? How could sex save my marriage? What if I’m too tired? Or sick? Sex is great, but THIRTY days straight? I don’t think we can do that. But then we tried it.
Prior to the challenge, I had very little hope that anything, let alone what goes on between the sheets, could keep Chris and me together, but I am here to say it transformed our marriage. The first few days were business as usual? we hadn’t fought much those days so sex didn’t seem like a terrible idea.
By day 6, though, Chris and I were in the midst of one our infamous knock out, drag down fights. I didn’t even want to LOOK at him, let alone be intimate with him. I walked into our bedroom and declared, “The challenge is over, there’s no point.” And Chris, being a man truer to his integrity than anyone else on earth, said, “No, we made a commitment, and we’re sticking to it.” And so we did. Guys, without divulging too many details (because, ahem, awkward), we went from hating each other’s guts to laughing hysterically, cuddling, and feeling those same warm feelings that we felt many moons ago when we were first dating.
The challenge continued another 24 days with plenty of arguments, hurt feelings, and negative thoughts along the way. However, the next 24 days were also filled with more flirting, quick kisses, silly teases, and friendly moments than we had shared in months…maybe even years. Somewhere along the way, our marriage shifted from business partner-based to best friends who were lucky enough to have sleepovers every single night.
And was it the sex that did it? Maybe partially. But what I believe really changed us was our dedication to spending even 20 minutes every single day completely focused on each other. Despite the good, the bad, and the ugly of the day, despite busy schedules and hurt feelings, we knew that nightly we were going to have the opportunity to put everything aside and just be in love?something Chris and I had never prioritized quite like that before. It gave us silly moments and ones filled with passion, and it allowed us to open up and spend time cuddled up and chatting, an almost extinct act between us previously. The 30 day challenge may have been based on sex, but what we gained from it had nothing to do with sex at all. The 30 day challenge gave us our love back, and in turn, our marriage.
Now, it’s your turn. Whether you’re a newlywed or nearing divorce, I have no doubt in my mind that committing to and completing the 30 day sex challenge can and will improve your feelings of sincere love for your spouse. Now, is it a guaranteed fix for every marital woe? Of course not! But I truly believe in the healing power of this commitment to your loved one. So give it a try and report back. Of course, spare the gory details, 😉 but I want to know if it works for you! Did the 30 Day Sex Challenge save your marriage too? Help it? Hurt it? Let me know!
xo,
Heidi
Related reading:
6 Ways to Spend Valentine?s With Your (My) Swolemate
5 Years of (Mostly) Wedded Bliss + How We Met Vid!
Feel the Love?and the Burn! || Ultimate Couple?s Workout
Giving Love to Others
40 for my 40 year old || Why Chris Powell is the Greatest Man on Earth
154 Responses
I?m newly married. And I feel like we?re in a great place. We have a wonderful foundation as a couple, our relationship was never based on sex. One of my biggest fears is losing connection, because sex is nearly impossible for us. My husband has an endocrine condition that has destroyed his libido and left him with crippling ED. I?m 39 and I?m terrified of a future without sex. I crave that connection with him, and I?m afraid about what it means in the long run.
My husband and I took this challenge two years ago. We had just moved and while content together, we had been under massive stress for years. It was like a vacation without travel. We recalled that home is with each other and not a house. I have told my friends as they approached marriage, “Sex is like a Zamboni. It glosses over the small issues and fills in some gaps, but it won’t fill cracks in foundations.” Sometimes gloss will help a couple see where work needs to be done. I am so glad this helped my favorite celebrity couple stay together.
My husband and I both were previously married. Both of us had sexless marriages and our previous spouses cheated. Early in our relationship we found something that said the average couple have sex 89 times a year. We took that as a challenge and decided to track how quickly we could get to that number. It took us 41 days. We had so much fun tracking that we have kept doing it. We?re 3 years and 2 months in to our marriage. One month we hit 91. We have had 2 kids since getting married so that caused some days without but we make it a priority at least once a day. If we can sneak away from our 5 kids to have a rendezvous which makes it even more fun… even if they?re pounding on the door. The first year we hit 805 in one calendar year. The next year 505, and last year 407. This year we?re kind of low due to my c-section on 1/11. But we?ve found it makes such a difference in how we feel about each other. That and making sure God is the center of our marriage. Thank you so much for sharing this. It?s so important to our intimacy in marriage!
Lol, I am exhausted just reading your post. I don?t know what kind of schedules you have but that amount of sex sounds like a full time job. ?
Love this!! I?m gonna try it!!! We?ve been pretty distant lately ?
Maybe this will help us.
But, umm, what about your period??? Isn?t that kinda awkward??
Literally was thinking the same thing? Yes
Period sex is normal and not really that messy if you prepare for it.
When you have your period just go under the shower it?ll stop it, wash inside quickly with water if you prefer. And if you (or your jus and) are still ill at ease with the idea, use a condom or try new sex stuff (sex is not only about penetration)
I tried period sex once or twice but it was painful…
Some women use contraception that suppresses your period. I haven’t had one for years!
I read ALL the comments! I hope everyone who tries this challenge supports Heidi’s vulnerability on March 15th to let her know how this it went for you.
Been married just shy of 20 years and this past year has been awful. My wife has emotionally and physically shut me out and we ignore and fight each other almost daily. We?ve had our problems in the past and many caused by my actions and words. Always been faithful but my immaturity over the years has done more harm than good. We?ve always seem to bounce back, so I thought but now it?s seems she?s had enough. We haven?t had sex or been intimate in over a year. She says she is just not in that place and doesn?t have loving feelings for me anymore. She doesn?t know if divorce is what she wants or not but I have the feeling if we didn?t have kids involved she?d be out the door. I love her very much but I feel it?s out of my hands at this point. We see therapists, but individually, she doesn?t want marriage counseling. To suggest a 30 day sex challenge to her at this point would NOT be something she would go for. I?d give anything to find a way to reconnect and be husband and wife again! Wish there was a simpler way. Only time will tell. Hard living like this.
Ross. Take a look at the love dare. It?s a book and while not 30 days of sex it is relationship altering in many of the same ways.
Start with small things…flowers, clean something, do dishes, make her feel special-wanted. Then keep doing it and add more… it should snowball from there. You must put in some work, look to bless her.
You should look into Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel it’s a great program and things you could do even if she doesn’t want to. The Love Dare is wonderful too
I was going to suggest make sure to make her a priority. Intimacy isn’t always about sex especially for a woman. They need to know you are there. In Heidi’s case, sex was a way for them to have a connection physically and emotionally even if its 20 min a day. Just make a priority to make her first. Talk to her and really listen. Show her you appreciate her. Help her around the house more. Take her on a date every week. Find new things to do together.
Ask her everyday, ?what can I do for you today?? It starts to soften both your hearts a bit.
Dear Heidi, my husband and I were a couple since I was 19 and he 23. (I am 50+ now). But in 2010 he got sick again and diagnosed to not get well anymore (kidneycancer with metastases in the head). In the first years sex was not an issue but when he lost his second kidney in 2017 I had lost all my appetite in him as a lover. Besides a dialysis catheter sticking out of his chest, this was of course not sexy at all, he was often very tired and coldly. But the love remained luckily. Last September 7th he passed away and now I feel regretting to have not loved each other more physically. But now it’s to late…perhaps if we both tried harder at the time it could have been nice anyway…
Wow, you are a bad person. He was dying and you expected him to try harder to be intimate? The fact that you described equipment that was keeping him alive as not sexy and you lost your appetite shows you need to work on yourself more.
I can say that 5 years ago my husband wanted a divorce. I believe mostly the issue was sex and we started having sex all the time. To make a long story short, after a few months he didn’t want a divorce. Now I’m in menopause and had my first ever painful experience, I got on hormone therapy from my gynecologist. First time in my life I wanted to initiate sex. Husband is telling me no. Find a good gyno to work with.
I HATE SEX THOUGH… I?m the one with no libido… and I can honestly say I?ve never had one. I have Been married 20 years… (and yes we have done all the hormone testing and treating)
I can?t orgasm, I never have. I don?t know what I ?like?, because I don?t like any of it.
This idea literally makes me physically recoil. Believe me I wish it could be fixed. But we have tried so much with never getting anywhere except more frustrated.
Have your husband (well, both of you) read the book ?She Comes First?. I?m the same way as you with actual intercourse, I have never had an orgasm from it. I?m fine with that tho, because there?s oral sex and it?s AMAZING! If you haven?t had the big O from that either, your husband needs help, and this book should do the trick! Go buy it immediately! Good luck?
You need to masturbate with a vibrator- all alone in your house until you do. Just relax and let it happen.
Anonymous,
Have you tried therapy for yourself? You may have a regressed trauma that you are unaware of. I know you will think I’m crazy, but it was definitely an issue in my life that I didn’t even know I had. Good luck to you!
I?m having the same issue. Though I can orgasim with a vibrator I can?t with sex and I?m totally fine without having sex but my husband is a very sexual person and needs it and craves it. I?m doing my best trying to get in the mood. I?m not happy with myself physically and am in the process of getting weight loss surgery in a couple months and I?m hoping when I get smaller I?ll be more interested in sex but no matter what I don?t have orgasim during sex so sex doesn?t do anything to me and honestly, TMI alert, it?s messy. And that annoys me. I haven?t spoken to a gyno to much about it. The one time I did she said try different positions. Well I have and nothing. Maybe I should talk to one again and maybe there is a libido booster or something that can help. I thought you hit your peek sexual point in your 30?s well I?m 34 and hasn?t happened. Good luck to you. Know your not alone. I have no libido just like you. It sux.
Dear Anonymous…..I can very much relate to your comment because I was not able to orgasm for most of my adult life but then my (now) husband encouraged me to use a tool (vibration of any sort) and for the first time my body responded. I was already in my 40’s then and now 54 years old we use it while having sex with my loving and understanding husband and have orgasms every time which if you never had one and then experience it will rock your world. It would be a shame for you to loose out on such an amazing ability in our body that the most natural thing. ??
Oh I know how you feel! I have never ever in my life (& I am 47) had a sex drive! It?s just not my thing. I don?t like kissing, cuddling , none of that. & then I got sick! Adenomyosis, (very painful!) Hashimotos, hypothyroidism & a handful of other things that go along with it, made my libido nonexistent. My poor husband is very understanding but it?s really not fair to him. But I can?t help the way I feel…. the way I?ve always felt! A 30 day sex challenge? I don?t know, my body is pretty outta whack for that!
Ya…. I have dozens of vibrators. None can get me there, solo or with my husband. We?ve tried oral sex a lot, that doesn?t happen either.
and I honestly don?t believe that he?s not doing it right….
Because even trying solo on my own nothing arouses me. I?m broken.
I have not been interested in sex with my husband for years. I can say that when we first started dating we had sex all the time but in all actuality when it got closer to the wedding I got more disinterested in it because it wasn?t that good. So for 9 months before our wedding we decided to stop having sex so our wedding night would be more special….it was OK. Thru the years we tried different things and for the longest time I decided that he really just wasn?t that ?good? at sex. But now after 36 years I have finally come to the conclusion that it truly is me. First off I am 55 and menopausal and having sex hurts. I have tried creams and ointments from the Dr but seriously it just isn?t worth it. I am in my head too much and sexually I feel completely incompatible with him. I wouldn?t mind having some intimacy. Just cuddling and skin to skin contact but he is a man…he wants more if we touch skin. We don?t have anything that we do separately other than I go to the gym every weekday for an hour. Other than that we live together work together ride together shop together. He is a good man a great dad and a wonderful grandfather but we are roommates. But I?m not going anywhere and neither is he. We just need to become husband and wife again.